Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire
by BookWormAndProudOfIt
Summary: Rowan, to escape her abusive home, comes to live with her cousin Emily. When a certain wolf imprints on her, can she learn to trust again. What happens when her past comes back to haunt her in more ways then one? Rated T cause I'm paranoid. Please R/R
1. Chapter 1

**Okay first and foremost. To all 13 people who read this, yes this is the same story by me, but I completely changed the first chapter after the pretty much the second page. So sorry for the change, but I came up with this idea this morning, and I liked it better, seemed more interesting. I don't know if it is, was half asleep when it popped in my head. So again so sorry for the change. Plot is still the same, and so is basically the first 2 pages, but after that it's different. **

**Summary: Rowan, comes to live with her cousin Emily, leaving her abusive life behind. When a certain wolf imprints on her, can she learn to trust again? What happens when her past comes back to haunt her in more ways than one?**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns everything. Me=Nada, 'cept Rowan**

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

This is really part of the story, at least not now it is, maybe I'll try to work it in some way, but I just thought it was cool. It's said in the trailer of the movie coming out soon My Soul to Take with Max Thieriot

Anyway on with the first chapter of Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire.

_Slowly, I walk up the left-over stairs, totally numb, my face expressionless. The door hung crooked off a hinge, gently knocking the wall in the dead breeze. The floor's creaked under my weight-which was almost non-existent. The sound of an ancient TV straining to broadcast floated through the shambles of the house. Like a zombie, I moved towards the sound, my steps heavy and sluggish. I came to stand in the doorway of what used to be a living room. A ratty, beat up recliner, that once was a light tan, but was now red, rust, black and just worn out from age, sat with its back to me, facing the TV. An old, small table held together by superglue and duck tape was next to it, slightly tilted because of the Bud Light sitting on it. The thick scent of cologne hung in the air, making it hard to breath._

_ I stood there, staring at the floor, frozen, uncaring. I wanted to run, to get away, but I knew they'd catch up eventually. No matter where I hid, no matter how far I ran, no matter how hard I fought, they'd always win._

_ The broken chair protested as its occupant got up. I continued to look at he as heavy footsteps came towards me. A pair of beat-up old boots appeared in my vision and I shivered as I could feel their owner's eyes lock on me. My skin crawled as he stared at me; my eyes stayed glued to the floor, following the trial of ant's that scurried about. Their life seemed so simple: collect food, and don't get stepped on, and if they did there was always another one to instantly take their place. _

_ The air seemed to grow still, the only noise being the static of the TV snow. The sound of my heartbeat flooded my ears, blocking out everything. It felt like one of those suspenseful movies where you can hear the characters heartbeat and that's it, and they're reaching for the doorknob of the door that leads to the creepy basement of the haunted house on the spooky block. _

_ Time seemed to slow down, almost to the point of stopping._

_ "You can run as much as you want, but you'll always come back."_

_ Something jerked me back by my hair and-_

My eyes shot open, my heart racing. I glanced around, searching, but, thankfully not finding what I was looking for. I settled back into the uncomfortable chair, and glanced out the window. White was all I saw.

_Must be in a cloud_, I thought. The roar of the 747 made its way past the earphones that were practically shoved through my ears. I stiffened, when I felt someone's eyes on me. Slowly I turned, and did a double glance, searching every face I could see. Still nothing. Then I turned to look at the seat next to me and mentally sighed in relief.

The little kid sittin next to me had his eyes locked on me. His mom next to him, had her head leaned back, taking the quiet time to catch up on some sleep. The kid kept starin at me like I was the most interestin thing in the world. What rock has he been livin under?

Awkwardly I waved a little, and smile. Kid still kept starin. Settlin for turning my music on, I glanced out the window again. Seattle sat below, small as all get out; we'd be landin soon.

_Can I really get away with this?_

"Attention all passengers. Please return your trays to the upright position and make sure they are locked. Please fasten your seatbelts as the plane will be landing soon. We hope you enjoyed your flight today. Thank you and have a nice day."

After doing everything I watched as Seattle, and hopefully my new life, got closer. 20 minutes later I grabbed my old beat up bag from under the chair, shoved the IPod in it, and quietly followed everyone else. While the other passengers hurried off to collect their luggage, I, somehow, made it to the exit/entrance. I walked out and was immediately blasted by icy wind.

_Dear Lord have mercy its cold._

I zipped my jacket up, and hurried to the long line of idling cabs. Numbly, I hopped in the nearest one that had a female driver. I'd seen way to many Criminal Minds were the lady gets in the taxi and the creepy driver is a serial killer, not that a lady can't be a crazy person too but…gah you get what I'm sayin. That and my past kinda prevented me from getting in the cabs.

"Where to?" she asked. I glanced at her to see a lady in her mid-forties with a mix of blond and brown medium length hair. She was pale, and her skin showed signs of living in the cold biting wind for a long time. She looked okay, no crazy gleam in her eye or anything like that. Looks can be deceiving though, as cliché as that sounds.

"Umm…" I pulled a scrap of paper out of my pocket. "Forks, Washington."

"What? That's two hours away," she exclaimed, then glanced in the rearview mirror. Her eyebrows went up and I shifted my head a little so that my limp dark brown hair fell in front of my face. I knew what I looked like: sick, haunted, dead. I wasn't your everyday cabi rider.

I dug around in my bag, and found the envelope that held all the money I'd managed to get. I pulled some bills out, careful not to let her see anything. "This worth it?" I held them up for her to see. With a sigh, she pulled out of her space, and slowly made her way through the maze of traffic. We jumped on the highway soon, and I settled in for the long ride. Drizzle ran down the window, as water bounced off the road. I could barely see the road in front of us, the only signal of cars ahead were their lights.

"So why you headin to Forks?"

"Takin pics for a collage thing. It's pretty up in the mountains, and I was hopin to get some good shots," I lied. I had no idea what he mountains looked like this time of year.

"You look a little you to be going to college. How old are you?"

"17, almost 18. Schools makin us get all the application crap sent off now." 'Nother lie. I'm 16.

"Oh. Well I would show you all the important stuff we're passin, but as you can see." She gestured at the rain.

"You can't," I mumbled.

She nodded, and we fell into a comfortable, yet slightly awkward silence. The meter racked up as she, Sherry she told, weaved through the traffic. I kept an eye on the meter, makin sure it didn't get to high; I only had so much money. I pulled out an old beat-up notebook that was easily missing half the pages, and a package of markers though only a few were in it. I shifted so I was sitting with my legs on the seat, pulled close.

Totally safe right?

I leaned the notebook against my thighs, and began to doodle some random design onto the graph paper. I glanced at Sherry every now and then, still cautious, you never know. She could be some crazed serial killer, hell bent on making me her next victim.

*sigh* Got to love the paranoia.

Two hours later she was pullin off the side of the road, right before Forks, careful not to run into the ditch.

"Here, thanks for the ride," I whispered, and gave Sherry the money before getting out of the car, throwing my bag over my shoulder. I pulled my hood up.

"You sure you want me to drop you off here?" she asked.

"Yeah, I don't have a long walk from here."

"Oh," she paused, "Are you in any trouble kid? I can take you to the police back in Port Angeles."

I shook my head, and put on a fake smile. "No I'm fine. Just tired, long flights. Been a long year too. Can't wait for school to get out. It was nice meetin you Sherry."

She stared back at me, unconvinced. I smiled even bigger and tried to make myself look…non-dead.

"Kay. Good luck with your pictures then." Yeah, point one for the paranoid, abused kid. Oh yeah did I forget to mention that?

I shut the door, and she drove off. As soon as she was out of sight, I pulled a hat out of my bag and put it on under my hood, pulling it low to hide my face.

In a few minutes I was walking through downtown Forks, which took about two minutes to walk through. Dang this town is small. I looked over my shoulder every now and then, scanning the buildings for anyone familiar. My stomach growled as I passed a small diner; I can't remember the last time I ate. I paused and glanced inside. My stomach growled again, as the smell of pancakes greeted me. My mouth literally watered; it was the best thing I'd smelled in a while. I was about to go in when I saw how many people there was, way too many for someone not to notice a stranger. With a regretful sigh, I moved on, with my stomach cussing me out with each step I took.

"Ohhh shut up," I mumbled to it.

The rain came down in, well, buckets as soon as I was out of Forks. I moved to the side of the road under the trees. I walked, and walked…and walked. There wasn't a lot to see, just mostly woods. It was very quiet despite the rain, almost peaceful.

Yeah right, peaceful my butt. My eyes darted around the woods, searching for any sign of movement. My heart was racing; it hadn't stopped since I'd left. I tossed my hood back, not liking my vision being blocked. I was wound tighter than a rubber band ball, ready to fight or run in the blink of an eye. Paranoia ran through me, as easily as blood, causing me to glance over my shoulder every couple seconds.

I followed the road until I came to a fork in the road. Hehe a fork in Forks that's sorta funny. No Rowan, bad Rowan focus. I dug around in my bag and pulled out a map, messing around with it until I found one of them boxes that shows the more intricate details of smaller cities. It might as well have been in freakin Japanese, I had no idea what road I was one to start. Somehow I managed to find out the name of the road I was on, then find the road I needed to head to where I was going. I took the left and did the same thing I had done for the past 'x' number of minutes.

_It's a good thing I'm used to walking a lot_, I thought humorlessly.

My hand clutched the piece of paper in my coat pocket, like my very life depended on it.

_'Cause it does._

Eventually the paved road turned into a dirt one. I pulled the piece of paper that had literally become the only thing keeping me attached to this world, out and studied it. Though I already knew it by heart. My shoes dragged on the deserted street, mud soaking through. I walked passed a few houses that were set back in the woods that loomed nearby. I tried to stay out of sight, hidden in the shadows of the forest. After a bit, I found the right house, at least I hope I did. A grave driveway led up to a small cabin that had a good size porch on it.

My stomach was in knots, and my legs were solid lead. It felt like It felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen, and I was shaking like I'd flown to Antarctica instead of Washington. I stood hidden in the shadow at the end of the driveway, staring at the house.

Wow, I'm such a creeper.

_Come one Rowan, just walk up there. It's nothing, it's simple. Just move your freakin feet!_

Slowly, I took a few tentative steps, actually wondering if this was happening. With a deep breath I walked up the drive, clutching the paper. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the door. I swore my heart was about to explode, I'm sure people on Mar's could hear it.

_Should I even be here? Can I? It's not like I called or something? What if she doesn't want me? What if she hates me for-What if she's like him? What if she's even worse?_

_ Hah! Like that's even possible,_ I thought humorlessly.

I was about to leave, though I had no idea where I was going to go, when my hand knocked quietly on the door.

_I didn't tell you to do that you freakin idiot!_

I stood there, completely frozen, when the door opened. I stared at the porch floor, shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. I heard someone clear their throat, it sounded like a guy.

Uh-oh.

Cautiously, I looked up, and took a couple steps back, tensed.

This guy was freakin ginmormous. He was probably at least 6'7, and even through his shirt, you could see he was very big in the muscle department. Oh man, as scrawny as I was he could easily squish me like a bug. He had close cropped black hair and dark brown eyes. He was really tan, obviously Native American, cause you don't get that kinda tan round here. There is no freakin sun, from what I've seen and heard. He looked cold, and I shivered under his gaze.

"Umm..yah?" He asked, confused.

My mouth opened and closed, searching for words. I managed to get out, "Ummm….doesn't… Emily Young…live here?"

His face softened a bit.

"Yah, and you are?"

"Ummm…uhh…" My heart picked up even more and my palms got really sweaty. I started shaking even worse. Awesome time for a panic attack. Way to go brain. "Never mind." I backed up until I fell off the deck. This guy was bigger than I thought. Everything I'd escaped from came flooding back. Usually I fought, I hated running, it felt like giving up, but with this guy, it'd be like trying to fight a train. Who do you think would win?

"Hey you okay?" He came towards me, and I noticed other guys heads in the doorway. They looked just like him, which probably meant they were all big like him.

Oh. Shit.

"Sam? Who was that? What are y'all starin at?" Somebody, a woman shoved past the guys, appearing on the porch.

I glanced at her, and then focused on the guy again. He'd stopped on the porch, staring at me.

Even though it's been almost eleven years since I've seen here, I still immediately recognized Emily. Her raven black hair was a little longer, a little past her shoulders. Her dark brown eyes matched her deep natural tan.

"Oh. Sam who's this?"

"I don't know." The guy, Sam, shrugged. "Hey kid, who are you?"

I shook my head, and backed up a little more. I noticed Emily staring at me, confusion written on her face.

She didn't recognize me.

I could feel myself shutting down. I'd let myself feel hope, let myself dream, so this is what I get. Slowly the numb feeling enveloped me, cutting off everything.

Why should she remember me? It's been ten years since we've last talked. It's obvious she's grown up and gotten married. She's got a life.

I heard her gasp. "Rowan?"

**Good/Bad? Love or Hate? Tell me what y'all think, most what you think about her name. It took me a while to find one that fit, cause the first one I had was also the name of another story, and I wanted something different. So I found Rowan. I know it's not much, but still…please review and let me know what y'all think. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey okay first thing first: I'm SOOOOOO sorry it's taken me so long to update. :( I've been working on my other story, and it took me a while to get this chapter going. I promise to try and speed up the updates, I'll try and get another one up this week, but if I don't it probably won't be till next-mid week. I'm getting my wisdom teeth out this Friday, so I'll probably be like GRRRR for the weekend or at least Friday and Saturday. Sorry :( But, the next chapter is here now, and it's a long one; to make up for the long wait. **

**Okay next. Just wanted say a giant THANKS! to all who reviewed and/or set Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire as a favorite, and/or set an alert. So THANKS! :) This includes…**

_KenzieKAT_

_Twilightlover4eternity_

_vampaddiction_

_Xoembryloveox_

_Dustyrose03_

_I took the night12_

_Team-LaPush-Werewolves_

_.Progessor-Giggles - by the way love your name XD_

**THANKS! This made my day :), typing all these names. **

**So…oh yah I only own Rowan, darn, 'cause if I did own Twilight, then I would made sure Embry and Seth had an imprint. **

**Okay well on with chapter 2.**

_Previously_

_I could feel myself shutting down. I'd let myself feel hope; let myself dream, so this is what I get. Slowly the numb feeling enveloped me, cutting off everything. _

_ Why should she remember me? It's been ten years since we've last talked. It's obvious she's grown up and gotten married. She's got a life. _

_I heard her gasp. "Rowan?"_

I froze. Simple as that.

Now what?

Slowly, all most psychotically, I could feel my mouth twist into a smile. My hand waved a bit.

"Hey Emily." A voice, not mine, spoke. It was filled with fake happiness, fake surprise, fake everything. It was like I wasn't home, like someone else was running me, talking for me. Inside I was numb, completely cut off from the world. I was in a fog, seeing and hearing everything, but it wasn't registering.

"Rowan? What are you doing here? How did you get here?" she question, concerned.

Her concern just went right through me; I was hollow, just like before. "Awesome way to say hi to someone you haven't seen ten years." Whoever was speaking was happy, joking; it wasn't me.

"I'm glad to see you, but how did you get here?"

"Um…there's this new thing they came out with a while back. It's called a plane and it can fly really fast."

She sorta just stared at me. Whoever was running me whispered 'shock', but I couldn't care. It just wasn't happening.

"Well come on in, before you get even more soaked, if that's even possible."

The fake me, glanced down and grinned, laughing a bit. "Kay,"

Like a robot I followed her in, kicking my shoes off outside. What I saw in the living room made me freeze, and whoever was running me retreat back. The expressionless façade I usually wore returned. There was five HUGE guys, both tall and muscle wise. They all looked the guy who'd answered the door: tan, close cropped black hair, brown eyes, and hot. All of 'em turned to stare at me, and I looked at the ground, shifting so my hair fell in my face. I saw Emily glance at me, then at the group of guys.

"Rowan these are some of our friends. I'll introduce y'all later. You need to go take a shower, and warm up. You're shivering really bad."

I glanced up, suspicious, and surprised. She actually would let me take a shower? Then down at me, to see my arms, which were crossed across my chest, were shaking really bad.

"Come on, I'll show you where it is." She gently pulled towards a set of stairs. I glanced at her, asking her if she was sure. She nodded, and I reluctantly followed her upstairs. "There's towels, soap and shampoo under the sink. Take as long as you want." She smiled at me, then turned to go back downstairs. I stood there for a second before going into the bathroom, and shutting and locking the door. Carefully I set my bag down, then slid to the floor with my back against the wall. I hugged my knees to my chest, shaking, but not from the cold that was settled like concrete in my bones.

I couldn't believe she'd remembered me, let alone let me in her house. 'Course I hadn't exactly told her anything. Yet still…she hadn't cussed me out or hit me or slammed the door in my face. No she'd done the exact opposite. She'd let me in her home, was letting me take a shower. Was nice to me.

For now at least. You never know, *insert emotionless shrug here* People are really good at hiding what they're really like. Unfortunately I can vouch for that statement.

"_You worthless piece of shit! Why the hell are you an ungrateful little bitch?" I saw something flicker out of the corner of my eye, then felt his fist connect with my jaw. Skin connecting with skin was all I felt as I fell to the ground. The numb that had consumed me a few years ago kept the pain at bay, it registered, but I just couldn't feel it. Slowly, I pushed myself onto all fours, only to have his foot slam into my chest. I felt something crack, and all the air whooshed out of me. I fell back to the ground, before getting back up. He threw cuss after cuss, punch after punch, but I never felt anything. They just flew through me like I was nothing. _

That's 'cause you are. You're nothing. You're always nothing and always will be.

_I think the little voice in my head cut deeper than anything my dad said or did. 'Cause he was just another person, he was just another lump of flesh and blood, my flesh and blood. But this little voice, the one that danced around in my head, whispering about how everything he said was true. Every depressing or abusive thought I had was true. This was me, some other part of me that had accepted that everything I'd been told for eight years was true. _

"_Are you listenin to me bitch?" I slammed into the coffee table, and a flicker in the back of my head told me I'd cut myself on corner. I felt something warm run down the side of my face, before I could move, not that I really cared if I did. I felt something shatter against my head, and heard something smash at the same time. More blood trickled down my face, and I glanced up to see him smirking down at me. Something connected with my face, and I felt my blood begin to gush out of my nose: his foot. I heard his heavy steps stomp around me, and him drop onto the couch, it screeching under his weight. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him rest his crossed feet on the table that held some of my blood on one corner. The TV came on, and a show began to blare. Slowly I got up, and scurried out of the way, my bare feet getting cut on the remains of the beer bottle that lay scattered on the floor. _

My breath was shaking as the memory receded back, leaving its owner disheveled, and on the verge of a panic attack. I swallowed the clump of clay that had formed in my throat, and pushed myself up. It itched at me, pulling at me. I tried to ignore it, as I stripped. It clawed at me, hungry.

_ No, no more. I came here for a fresh start. _

I hopped in the shower, blasting it as hot as it will go. I closed my eyes, letting the hot water burn away all the thoughts that had raced through me the past few days. It still scratched at me; I wanted nothing more that to let it, the monster that controlled me, out. To let it commit the act it wanted, but I was determined to keep it in.

Coming here, means leaving everything behind. _Even you_

I washed up, making sure not to let my nails drag on my skin, knowing it'd only tempt me even more. I avoided looking at myself as much as I could, but I grimaced every time I caught a glance. Bruises, ranging from sickly yellow, dark purple, to blue going on black roamed over my arms, legs and chest. Scars, old and new, dotted me; the water caused even the oldest to become visible. I flinched at some of the memories they brought up; the urge growing stronger with each one. Determined to keep my promise, I shut the water off and wrapped a towel around me. I peeked out, before drying off and pulling out some clothes from my bag. I pulled on the old pair of jeans, and faded long-sleeve t-shirt that had '$2 Ninja Costume' written on the front. I glanced in the mirror and grimaced again. There was a yellow bruise on my jaw and the remnants of a shiner remained. My cheek was still a slight purple, though it'd be gone in a few days. A scar ran along my hairline for a few inches; that was my newest, though it was a couple weeks old. My father knew only to leave bruises on my face and neck, knowing that I could cover them. But he still gave me a few scars, knowing I would lie. Pulling my make-up out I dabbed it on, rubbing it in till you couldn't see the bruises, for the most part. There was still a trace, but 8 years of lying would kick in if someone asked. Despite the makeup, I still looked dead. The shower had helped bring some color back, and I looked more like a normal person, but still…

Double checking myself, I tossed the make up back in the bag, and cautiously peeked out. Closing the door again, I leaned against it, taking deep breaths. It itched at me, clawed at me, so hungry. My fingers twitched, wanting to calm it. Knowing if I stayed in here I'd commit something I'd promised to stop. So taking a deep breath, grabbing my bag, I opened the door and cautiously went downstairs. The guys were still on the couch, all attention on the TV until I came down. Looking at the ground, feeling the blood creep into my face, I pulled my sleeves down farther, and scurried into the kitchen.

"Hey." Emily smiled at me, turning from the stove.

I stifled a gasp, when I noticed the three scars that ran down the side of her face. I hadn't noticed them before, though how I didn't I'm not sure, but now I did. They stretched all the way, pulling the corner of her mouth up into a permanent small smile. I glanced away quickly, smiled a bit, and warily sat at the table. When had that happened? What had happened? I urged the numb feeling to come back, to take me over and make me alive.

"Feel better?"

I nodded.

"Why don't you toss your clothes in the wash, then come back here. I'm almost done, and if you want food, you'll have to beat the guys, so hurry up."

In a few minutes I was back in the kitchen, toying with the edge of my sleeve. The clawing was still there, but knowing that if I did give into the urge I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Is…is there anything I can do to help?" I asked quietly.

"Nope. I'm done actually." She came and sat at the table with me. "Are you hungry?"

I shook my head. Lie. I was starving; I can't remember the last time I'd eaten, well really eaten anyway.

"Did I hear you say done?" One of the guy's popped his head in, a joking gleam in his eyes that were locked on the mountain of food. Dear lord was she feedin a freakin army?

Emily laughed, and nodded.

"Yes!" He cheered, and came barreling in followed by the others. Pretty soon the mountain had disappeared, having become mini mountains on the guy's plates. I watched, slightly intrigued how they all pretty much inhaled their food in a matter of minutes.

"Oh. Rowan these are friends of ours, obviously. This is Quil, Jared, Paul, Seth, and you already know my fiancé Sam. Everyone this is my cousin Rowan." There were a chorus' of hey's or what were supposed to be hey's. It's apparently really hard to talk when you have half a pound of food stuffed in your mouth. "Embry will be here later so you'll meet him then."

I nodded, and stared at the table. One of the guys came and sat across from us. "So what you doing out here? Emily didn't mention anyone comin?"

"Quil," Sam growled, and slapped him on the head.

The muscles on my face twisted into a smile; the previous controller coming back. "I'd thought I'd surprise Emily, by coming to visit for a bit. I haven't seen her since I was like 6, so I figured why not." I shrugged, well the other me shrugged. I'd retreated back, letting the other whoever it was take over, making my story more convincing by giving it life. (So from now on whenever I say 'I' I mean the person running me. Starting now.)

"If that's kay with you. I know I just kinda showed up out of nowhere, so it's fine if it's not a good time." I nodded to Emily and Seth.

She smiled, "Of course it is. You have no idea how glad I am to see you. I can't believe how much you've grown; even now you make me feel old." She grinned at the private joke between us. (I smiled a bit, remembering the good times, before everything changed.)

"Yeah, when I got on the plane to come here, I was like oh, maybe calling would have been a good idea, cause she may not even live there anymore." I chuckled.

"So how long you plannin on bein here?"

"Quil." Emily reached over and slapped him on the arm, "Rowan can stay here as long as she wants."

I chuckled as he ducked his head a bit, though I could see the grin on his face.

"Actually, I'm on spring break, so I can only stay til the end of the week. (Hey, depressing, emotionless me again, actually I only have a week to figure out what the heck I'm gonna do. 'Cause I cannot, and I repeat cannot go back. Soooo….yeah a week to figure out what's goin to happen for the rest of my life, or at least til I'm 18. And my time frame is shrinkin every second. Alright, so umm…bye.) I'll just go stay in Port Angeles or something, then come visit. Again if that's okay with you?"

"Of course it's fine. But you're staying here," Emily told.

I shook my head, "No I can't do that-"

"No, you're staying here and that's final." She got up, and took her plate to the sink.

"No, I can't."

"Look, you're my cousin, your family, so that means you is staying here, and that's final." She turned from the sink, hands on hips.

I opened my mouth to protest, saying I could go stay in Port Angeles or if they had a motel in Forks. Until I saw the stubborn gleam in her eyes recognizing it from when we were younger.

"You sure?"

She nodded firmly.

Reluctantly I agreed.

"Good." She turned back to the sink, and the clank of dished could now be heard as the guys had retreated back to the living room. I got up, and began drying the dishes off, and attempted to put them away. Keyword: attempted. Every new dish was followed by the quickly getting old where does this go? Twenty minutes had passed and we were done, so Emily decided to show me the guest room. I followed her, bag in hand, up the stairs and into a light blue room. There was a small bed in the center, a dresser, and a nightstand that had a lamp on it.

"It's not much-"

"It's awesome. Thanks for lettin me stay here Em." I gave her a quick one armed hug. (Yeah, even the I'm totally normal, fine me can't hug.)

"We're family remember." She waved it off as nothing. "I'll leave you to get settled, call if you need something. And Rowan, I'm really glad you're here." She closed the door, and I heard her footsteps go back down the stairs.

Helllllo world, depressed me is back and ready to go…or preferably not. I went and sat on the bed, noticing it had white seats with a dark blue comforter. I pulled my knees up, resting the edges of my feet on the edge of the bed. I stared out the window, looking at the woods that could be seen from it. Was this really happening? Course I hadn't told her anything, but still… I need to tell her, well I sorta have to before the week ends. Maybe I should just come out and say it now, give me a couple days head start if I need it. Yeah, I need to tell her today, better to just come out, stead of beatin round the bush. Plus if she goes berserko, at least I still have a few days before _he_ notices I'm not home. But what if she does go nuts, what if she's like him? Maybe a normal day wouldn't be so bad…a day. Just a day, to be normal, or as normal as the "clone" is. No, today, that's it. I…gotta, no need to tell. Maybe I can just go talk to a tree or something? Oooo or maybe a rock, I could get a pet rock and tell it everything. God I'm going crazy, sorry folk's debating and anxiety make me act like an idiot. I will try to keep it non ADD. With a sigh, and before I could change my mind, I stood up. Digging in my bag, I pulled out a rubber band and threw my hair up into a ponytail. Hmmm maybe I'd cut it soon, new place new look right?

I went back downstairs, each step making the determination waver just a bit. By the bottom step, it was swiss cheese. It started growling, still hungry, but I pushed it back. The boys were still in the living room, arguing about something. Skirting around them, I found Emily in the kitchen with Sam, kissing. Oh… talk about awkwardville. Bad anxiety. I was about to turn around, and just sneak back upstairs, my determination hanging on by a tiny thread, when they broke apart, noticing me.

"Sorry," I mumbled, and turned around.

"No, it's fine. Trust me with them around we're used to it," Sam chuckled.

I stared at the ground, shifting back and forth, each step feeling like it would break the string what determination I had left. The growling got stronger as it pulled at me, hungry, begging now.

A battle raged in me, to tell or not. Years of abuse were screaming, yelling at me to not say anything. Paranoia joined it's side, arguing that Emily could be like _him_; that this nice act could be just that, an act, and eventually I'd see the true side of her. The logicalish one was saying that if she is like him at least you'd get a day's head start on _him_. This little tiny voice was squeaking that Emily was still Emily and that everything would be alright.

Now imagine a bunch of cute little cartoon characters/groups arguing at each other. Then they all stop suddenly; turn to stare at this little guy that makes you go AWWW. And the two groups shout bullshit as loud as they can, then continue fighting.

That is the image that popped in my head for some reason. It's like some weirdo super kiddie version of the battle that was slowly shattering me.

It got worse, screaming, howling to be fed. The impulse was almost unbearable; I forced my legs to stay glued to the floor, using what the last stread of will-power and control I had left not to run. Screw telling Emily, my mind was focused only on staying here, as it urged me to-

-NO. Don't say the word, don't even think it.

A deep shuddering breath left me in a huff.

"Is something wrong Rowan?" Emily asked, concerned, coming towards me a bit.

My eyes, of their own free will, glanced at Sam for a second, before returning to examining the ground "Ummm….yeah? I-I was just wonderin …can I talk to yah upstairs?" I mumbled, totally positive at the rate my heart was going I'd be dead in a few minutes.

She nodded, and motioned for me to head upstairs, and as I walked away I could see her whisper something to Sam.

Oh crap, she knows. She's tellin him to get him and his buddies to make sure I don't try and run away or something, while she beats the crap out of me.

Run.

Sure I was going to get pulled back by someone any second, then get the living crap beat out of me. I walked, quickly, but not enough to make the guys look at me funny, to the door. My hand was reaching for the handle, when it flew open.

BANG.

Crap.

I fell back, and put my hand to my face, feeling my nose, and the blood that started dripping from it. The familiar recognition went off in my head, the only signal of pain I got.

"Oh. I'm sorry-" The guy-another carbon copy of the rest- stopped and stared at me, a funny look on his face. I could feel everyone's eyes on us, and I shifted uncomfortably, well the best I could on the ground. The blood rushed to my face, and I wished I hadn't put my hair up.

I got up, wiping the blood away. "Skay," I muttered. Emily came running over, the sudden movement causing me to flinch away.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry. I didn't see you, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry," the dude blabbed.

"I'm fine, it's nothin," I shrugged him off, though it came out muffled because of my sleeve covering my nose. Shuffling to the kitchen, I grabbed some paper towels, ran them under some water, and wiped more blood off, though it was mostly dry now. Luckily the door hadn't hit me too hard, just enough to crush something. Throwing the destroyed towels in the garbage, I ran my sleeve under the sink, trying to get as much blood out.

The embarrassment made the compulsion grow; I fought it, taking deep breaths, trying to calm it.

I can't do anything right, _he_ was right; I'm just a worthless piece of shit. That's it, nothing else.

"Rowan?" Emily asked.

Taking a deep breath, I felt all emotion leave me, going numb. (Bye y'all)

"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm fine." I smiled, wiping my hand over my nose again. "Do I still got blood?"

They all kinda stared at me funny, 'cept the guy who hit me with a door. He looked like he was on cloud 9. What was his problem? Maybe he gets a kick out of hitting people with doors?

"What? Dang thought I got rid of it all," I wiped my hand over my nose, then looked at it to see if there was any blood on it. None.

"Are you sure your okay? You got hit pretty hard," Sam asked.

I waved my hand dismissively. "Yeah, I'm fine. Trust me I'm a klutz, so I'm used to it. So this ain't nothin. Ask Em, you wouldn't believe how many times I tripped over air while I was here. Put the most klutzy people to shame." I rambled.

Emily sighed jokingly, "Unfortunately I can't disagree."

"Is she as bad as Bella?" One of them, Quil-95% sure- asked.

"That's not possible, no one can be bad as her," another one said, Paul I think.

I chuckled, "Wanna bet?"

"I'm sorry Rowan, but even though I love Bella, she's worse than you," Emily smiled, "Oh yeah, Rowan, Embry. Embry, this is my cousin Rowan."

I waved like an idiot, and glanced up at him.

Hello?

The compulsion came back along with everything else the original paranoid, slightly ADD me, 'cept when I risked a glance into his eye's, it all disappeared. Except the numb feeling didn't come back, it's just everything seemed fine, for once.

What the heck?

**So…good, bad? Love, Hate? What? If it seems confusing for any reason, just send me a message, and I'll try and work on it. **

**Please review. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, y'all just wanted to give a giant thanks to the people who added the story to their alerts. This includes…**

_Dancer96_

_Lauresh_

_ChiyukiLuvs2Glomp_

_Mackenzie L._

**Sadly, though I got a lot of hits, I got no reviews :( Though I think I deserve it for taking so long to update, so I'll try and update sooner from now on. I'm not gonna be one of them people who won't update til they get so many reviews, but please try and review even if it's only a few words. **

_Previously_

_I waved like an idiot, and glanced up at him. _

_Hello? _

_The compulsion came back along with everything else the original paranoid; slightly ADD me, 'cept when I risked a glance into his eye's, it all disappeared. Except the numb feeling didn't come back, it's just everything seemed fine, for once. _

_What the heck?_

It seemed like forever, when it was probably only a few seconds, before I looked away. I yanked the rubber band out of my hair letting my hair fall in my face, which was on fire by the way. I heard chuckles, which made my face get even redder, if that was even possible. I tugged at my sleeves out of habit, and bit my bottom lip.

Too many people, I need to get away. Need to-

No. No more. Don't matter how bad, I can deal without.

"Alright boy's that's enough." Emily shooed them back into the living room, and I quickly glanced at…Embry (?). He was still staring at me, but a shy smiled replaced it when he caught my look. I ducked my head again, and focused on the floor, shifting uncomfortably, trying to ignore the urge that stirred in me. Wait a second? It was gone. Poof, vamoose, adios amigos. I stifled a gasp, yes I know major reaction to simple thing, but it hadn't left me alone in almost three years, always calling. Now it wasn't there, wasn't begging, wasn't anything.

"Umm…hey?" A voice said near me.

With a glance up, I jumped back, knocking against the counter. When'd he move so close? Sorrow passed across his face, along with concern.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

Staring at the ground, though I was still able to watch him from behind the sheet of hair, I half-shrugged. Moving away from him to go stand near the table, I fidgeted with my sleeve, as I tried to figure out where the urge went; not that I was complaining or anything. I toyed with a piece of silverware that was still on the table, spinning it in circles.

"Soo…your Emily's cousin?" he asked.

I nodded.

"So…are you from here?"

I nodded.

"So then…"

"I moved away when I was five," I mumbled.

"Oh…"

We stood in awkward silence for a while, til Emily spoke,

"Rowan, did you still want to go upstairs and talk?"

I glanced at her, unsure, still wary of her, of everything. Taking a deep breath, and going out on a very, tiny limb I nodded.

She smiled reassuringly, and I followed her upstairs, feeling Embry's eyes on me the whole way. As soon as I was upstairs, the urge came back, and I froze for second, almost taken back by the force. Like I said it hadn't left me alone in a few years, so it disappearing then coming back was a little bit of a shock. Stopping for a quick glance in the bathroom mirror to see if any bruises were showing from when I washed away the blood. Thankfully none of the makeup had come off, enough to show anyway. The urge growled as it recognized the bathroom, and what it usually meant. Trying to tune it out, I followed Emily into the guest room I was staying in. The single hair of willpower I had left seemed to tear in half as I closed the door. Taking a deep breath, I carefully watched Emily as I gestured for her to sit down and she obliged.

The fight had started up again, and I tried to get rid of the very childish image of the little cartoon people fighting out of my head. Pulling my sleeves down, I leaned against the door. My heart was racing so fast, I sure it'd was gonna be dead on the floor in ten seconds. I wiped my hands on my jeans, trying to stay calm…ish.

"What'd you want to talk about?" Emily asked.

"Ummmm….I….I…um sorta…yeah."

She raised an eyebrow, silently, but jokingly, mocking me.

The urge snarled, trying to use any excuse to get what it wanted. Trying to push it to the back of my mind, attempting to focus on now, I took a deep breath and let it out in a huff.

"Rowan what's wrong?" Emily got up and came towards me.

I flinched, and waved her away.

"Ummm… I hate to ask this…but I sorta… need to stay here for more…more than a week." I muttered in a rush.

"It's fine. Of course you can stay here, as long as you need. Can I ask why?"

Examining the floor, I scratched at the dried blood on my sleeve.

"Rowan, what's going on?"

"Um…uhhh. It's just…I… ummm." _Come on, just say it. It's not that hard. Just freakin say it. _ Letting out a sigh followed by another deep breath, I wrapped my arms around my waist and leaned harder against the door. "I need…to…" Another sigh. "It's just…dad. He ummm…he started drinkin after…yeah."

I heard my cousin gasp and the urge tugged at me, and I was about to run to the bathroom, but I repeated my promise over and over.

"Did…did he ever do anything when he drank?" she asked.

The ground was obviously very interesting cause I've been staring at it since I got in here. Finding little patterns in the wood helped quiet the screaming, and I-

"Rowan?"

"Huh?"

"Did he ever…"

Catching the unsaid question I quickly shook my head. "No…nothing like that. He…uh…he just got real mad…and drunk…obviously." I smirked a bit, though it held nothing. The urge was getting stronger, I was about to break my promise right here in front of Emily. Though her question helped me stop.

"Did he ever…hit you?"

I continued my usual routine of looking at the ground, so ready to stampede down the stairs, out the front door and into the woods, never looking back. Maybe I could become a wild kid, or something. Live off the land, steal out of garbage cans…maybe even terrorize a few people. Hehehe that'd be kinda funny.

"Rowan," she whispered sharply. I flinched at her tone, and tensed out of habit, ready for a beating. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, but…did he ever beat you?" she told, concern in her voice.

The worry seemed genuine, but one couldn't be too careful. Still… _Come one say it idiot. Just come out and say, the worst she could do is call him. And I'd hopefully get a day's head start on him if she did._ Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth to answer her, but nothing came out. My mouth opened and closed, but my vocal cords were locked. The urge was shattering me, so hell-bent on getting its prize. In a flash I shakily lifted my shirt up a bit, revealing a collage of bruises ranging from a sickly yellow to dark purple easily mistaken for black. Results of me being "a complete waste of space and being nothing but an ungrateful piece of shit," and the few six packs my dad had brought home a week ago.

I heard a gasp, and flinched. Risking a glance, I looked up, and saw Emily, standing, with her hand over her mouth, tears starting to form. I looked down, shame washing over me, while at the same time wishing the numbness would come back, and block out everything.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to the floor, begging for the numbness to come back, and smother the urge…at least a little bit.

Footsteps stopped in front of me, and I shrank farther against the door, wishing I hadn't backed myself in a corner.

"Rowan?" Emily asked, cautiously.

I lifted my head a bit to let her know I was listening, while my eyes darted around, looking for an escape route. Door? Nope guy's downstairs. Window? Maybe, I'd probably end up breaking my leg or something. Now what? There's always a way out Rowan, I told myself.

Out of the corner of my eye, a hand reached for me, and I cringed away, tensing ready for a slap or something. It stopped, and I peeked out from my sheet of hair to see sympathy locked in Emily's eyes. Anger started to leak into me. I don't need her pity. I don't need anyone's pity, I've lived on my own, survived you could say all by myself, for eleven years. Pity was the last thing I wanted, all I wanted was….I don't know. Insert mental sigh.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, choking back a hiccup used to disguise a sob.

"Don't be," I growled, then felt bad for being so harsh. "Sorry," I mumbled. God I was so messed up, years of abuse will do that to yeah people.

"No, you probably don't want pity do you?" she asked.

I shook my head, "Preferably not," I muttered.

She nodded, then let out a deep breath. "Do you want to call the police?"

I shook my head. "No." _I just wanna leave everything behind._

I saw her nod then back up a bit. I let out a giant breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding in a huff. "Are…are yah mad?" I ventured quietly.

"No. Why would I be?"

I shrugged emotionlessly. My stomach twisted threatening to lurch, as it got angrier. I bit the inside of my mouth determined to keep whatever was in my stomach down which meant just a bunch of air.

I heard the bed creak, and looked up to see Emily a few tears trailing down her face.

Oh crap. Crying is not a department I'm smart in. I moved towards her a bit, unsure of what to do. Staring at the floor, I shifted unsure of what to do. I reached out and cautiously put my hand on her shoulder. She jumped before smiling at me and wiping away the tears that still remained.

"Sorry," she smiled, and I pulled my hand away. "Just remembering before you moved away. Remember when you tried to swim to the bottom of the ocean and you scared me, thinking you'd drowned or something."

The corners of my mouth pulled a bit. "Yeah, you went nuts when I came up. Thought you'd seen a UFO or somethin'," I whispered letting the memory try and sooth the shame and anxiety I had. Something in my clicked, and for some reason I was sure, for the most part, that Emily wouldn't hurt me. No woman had hurt me before, even though that she could be the first, no one had given me a reason to distrust woman.

"Can I ask you one more thing?" she asked.

"Why'd you choose to tell? I thought , no offense of anything, but I thought people who go through what you did didn't tell."

"Oh…yeah ummm….funny…you should mention that," I muttered. Taking a deep breath, I tried to come up with a way to explain without sounding rude or somethin' "I figured….if yah didn't want me or something…or if you decided to call my dad…that'd at least I could get a few days start on him or something." I shrugged, embarrassed.

"Oh. Rowan I'm going to tell you right now that I would never do anything to hurt you. Your my cousin and I would never ever hurt you. Okay?"

I studied her for a bit, seeing the determination etched into her, along with concern and something else, but it seemed okay, it seemed safe? I guess. Still I couldn't tell her anything else, I left that behind, and it's going to stay back there.

**What'd yall think? Good/Bad? Tell me what you guys think, I'm not a mind reader, unfortunately. Unlike some people *cough* Edward *cough***

**I will try and speed up the updates, but no promises. Sorry, just found out flunked a project, and need to redo it, and gotta redo two tests. I hate chemistry. :P **

**Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey just wanted to shout out to those who alerted the story or added it to their favorites. This includes…**

_Charmdiva_

_ kooolgal08_

_ charmdiva _

**And a giant THANKS to **_xoembryloveox _**for reviewing :) YAH!**

** I was starting to wonder if the story is bad and you guys weren't tellin me. Until yeah sent the message :)**

**If you guys think it's bad or something needs to be changed/improved, please don't hesitate to tell. **

**Also, there's a…touchy subject, sorta I don't know if you'd consider it touchy, in this chapter, just thought I'd let you know. **

** Okay so now on with chapter 4…**

_Previously_

_I studied her for a bit, seeing the determination etched into her, along with concern and something else, but it seemed okay, it seemed safe? I guess. Still I couldn't tell her anything else, I left that behind, and it's going to stay back there. _

"Hey, is it cool if I head to bed?" I quietly asked.

"Oh, yeah that's fine." She got up and reached towards me, almost to hug, but seem to think otherwise and just smiled, before opening the door.

"Oh…and uhh…Emily? You think…this could stay between us?" I mumbled, staring at the ground yet again.

"Sure." I heard the door click, and just slid to the floor, so drained and exhausted and everything.

I'd told…and she'd been fine…at least I think she was. She hadn't yelled or something or gone beserko. But she could still call him…does she even know his number? We've moved so many times…No. there's no way, he never talked 'bout anything to do with the Rez, he hated it. Got the scars to prove it too. So he'd never call here or anything. So…there's no way that she'd have his number…so I'm good, right?

Shakily I got to my legs, and crawled on to the bed, pulling my sleeves down farther. The crusted blood got under my nails, but right now I could care less.

Dude I'd freakin told someone, and I was still alive, I wasn't being sent back. I was out, dude I was freakin out! And I ain't eeeever goin back.

Laying there, with rain pounding on the roof overhead, I guess I, somehow, eventually drifted off.

"_Took you long enough," he growled, snatching the beer from my grip, before his other hand connected with my check. My brain registered the hit, and fall, but nothing else. The numbness kept everything at bay, disconnecting me from everything. Almost robotically I got up, staring at the floor, before going trudging back upstairs. Going into the bathroom, I avoided the mirror, knowing what I'd see. I knew the look I had, every time I caught a glance of myself in something reflective, it was a dead look, like I was gone, just a body without a life. At least at home and whenever I was alone I did, at school, the little mask came up, making me look at least a little bit alive. Only just enough to keep suspicions away, other than that…_

Other than that you can't do anything right. You're just a worthless piece of shit. You can't do anything, you'll never be capable of anything. Your just a stupid mistake, don't even deserve to live. A waste of space.

_Reaching under the sink, while pulling one of the drawers out, I felt around the back of the drawer my fingers searching eagerly for the hidden treasure. Feeling the smooth, cold edge, I ripped it off the back, hearing the scotch tape complain. Usually, people would think that people like me would be shaking, but my hands were steady as they closed around the comforting piece of metal. Sitting on the edge of the tub, breathing deep, I pulled my sleeve up. The usual urge was gnawing at me; I could picture it jumping eagerly for its reward. Taking a deep breath, I tried to ignore the urge, I didn't want to do it, but it was the only thing…_

_Just wanting to feel something, anything, I took a deep breath and- _

Banging and loud voices, is not the best way to wake up a girl who is used to that meaning a bloody nose and probably worse. I jerked awake, startled, and tensed; expecting a string of cuss words to hit me followed a punch or something. When the little ding in my head that went usually went off when I get hit didn't happen, I scanned the room, trying to figure out where I was.

Oh yeah…I was at my cousin Emily's in La Push.

Wait that wasn't a dream?

But that one I just woke up from sure as heck was, my heart was pounding, and the urge was crawling under my skin, lurking, even hungrier because of the dream…or memory you could say. Shaking my head a bit, I tried to dislodge the dream and feelings it came with. Not working. It wasn't happy about not getting what it wanted yesterday, and the dream hadn't helped; it was so close before I'd been woken up. So now it was really worked up, because I'd stuck to my promise. And I was still stuck on it, stuck like glue. Hehe, that's a good song.

Ignoring it, the best I could, I went to stand near the window, noting the grey clouds overhead. Had I slept till tomorrow…or today I guess? Guess I was more tired than I thought. Rain was still pouring but I cracked the window a bit, letting the fresh air sooth me. I'd always loved the smell of rain, it was fresh, washed away everything, leaving behind a clean slate; maybe this was mine?

Yeah right, and maybe I'll pass Algebra one day.

Taking one step at a time, figurally of course, I pulled a baggy, frayed black hoodie with light grey skulls and cross bones on it, out of my bag and threw it on.

_Today's gonna be a good day, I'm fine. I got away. He can't find me. _I told myself. _I don't need it today. If I can last yesterday without having to, then I can make it through today. Just one step at a time. _

Pulling my makeup out and putting my ear to the door, I listened for a bit. Silence. Cracking the door, I cautiously peeked out looking for anyone. Scurrying to the bathroom, locking the door behind me, I grimaced at myself in the mirror. The makeup was gone, obviously, so the bruises were visible, but they looked better..ish.

_No, only good thoughts today. _

Splashing some cold water on my face to wake up some more, I applied the makeup covering up the old remembrance of the past. Taking a deep breath, shaking slightly, I wondered if this was just a dream that I was going to be jerked from soon. Could this actually be happening? I'd gotten here, I'd told, and I hadn't slipped up. I'd stayed in control, kept my promise; I'd made it through one day without having to cut.

Yeah...*sigh* As much as I despise admitting it. I'm a "self-harmer" though I'm not sure if harmer is a word. You get the point, *sigh* Why do you think I like the numbness? It keeps the urge back, helps me cope without it, for a while anyway. Though sometime it doesn't stop me from cutting; the exploding feeling that threatens me all day everyday just becomes too much. You know that feeling where it's like a giant rock is crushing you while at the same time someone is blowing a balloon up inside your chest, and with their next breath, the balloon will pop, and you'll explode. If you don't, lucky you. If you do you know what it's like to just wanna it to die, to just wanna to die. Feels like even if you do one simple thing wrong, like spell your name incorrectly, you'll just shatter into a million little shards.

I just couldn't handle it anymore, the abuse, the loneliness the misunderstanding, everything. I hadn't even meant to start, the first time was just an accident, but the momentary relief, the momentary…control. I told myself that I couldn't, it'd just make everything worse, more complicated, but bit by bit I'd slowly come to create my own little maze of scars.

Not something I'm proud of. That's why I left it behind; I know quitting cold turkey is really hard, that it's an addiction, that I need professional help. But…I can try right? Before I left I'd hadn't cut in two weeks, that's what helped me work up the courage to run. So if I can go two weeks without it, leave and still not cut. Then I can get through today without having to. Just one step at a time, that's it. I hadn't let myself, letting everything flow on paper instead. That's what I would do if I wanted to cut, just write, write until my hand falls off if I have to. But I wouldn't cut. I just want to leave everything behind, and a fresh start is the best way to do it. So will see.

It's ironic in a twisted sort of way, physical pain doesn't register- I know I get hit, I just don't feel anything. But emotional pain, that I feel just fine not even the numbness can dull that all the way.

Double-checking myself I snuck back to my room, flinching as the voices got louder. Were they arguing because of me? Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea. I didn't exactly call…but Emily said it was okay. I'll ask. Leaning against the edge of the window, where it joined with the wall, I unconsciously ran my fingers through my hair, staring out into the woods. I avoided going downstairs, fighting in the urge, trying to get it under control.

Go downstairs, then you won't have a chance.

Pushing off the wall, and after taking a deep breath I opened the door, and tried to quietly get down the stairs. My stomach growled as the smell of pancakes, and eggs, and a whole bunch of other awesome smelling food reached me. Peeking around the corner, I saw all the boys from yesterday sitting at the way too small table for them, shoving food down their throats like there was no tomorrow. Oh my god, how come I hadn't realized how big those dudes were? They were like freakin bulldozer…in guy form. God if one of them hit me, I'd probably be out for the count. I noticed that like yesterday they were all only wearing cut off shorts.

Another deep breath, and looking at the floor, I shuffled to the counter.

"Good morning Rowan," Emily greeted, passing me a plate. "Why don't you grab some food? You didn't eat yesterday so you must be hungry."

Smiling a bit to show my thanks, before grabbing a pancake. I watched everyone, waiting for them to snatch the plate away, laughing, before beating me. I didn't get to eat a lot back home; usually I'd sneak a bit after Dad passed out, but other than that, nada. Tossing some eggs on the plate, and after drizzling with them with ketchup, I gobbled them down not even tasting most of it.

The hairs on my neck stood up, and I shifted uncomfortably as I felt a pair of eyes on me. Glancing out from behind my screen of hair, I noticed Embry staring at me. He waved a bit, fork in hand and I ducked my head, shifting uncomfortably. Why was he staring at me? Was he waiting for a chance to jump me? Glancing down at the plate, I toyed with the pancake, poking it, feeling the hot food in my stomach flip flop.

Over the noise of the guys, a chair scrapped as it was pushed back. Embry walked over, reaching to grab some more food. I could feel the heat radiating off him, literally. Was he sick or somethin?

"You should try that. Emily makes the best pancakes," he whispered, gesturing to the plate. I nodded slightly, and kept fiddling with it, moving away from him.

What does he mean by that?

Nothing Rowan, he's just being nice.

Ha! Yeah right.

Backing against the counter, so that I could see everyone, I notice him still looking at me. Shifting uncomfortably, I glanced down at the plate. Had I grown a second head overnight or somethin?

"Rowan is there anything you wanna do today?" Emily asked, coming to stand near me, though she sent a glare at Embry which caused him to look away.

I shook my head, tearing a piece off the waffles cousin and slowly chewed it. He's right, it was good.

"Come on Paul, we gotta go," Another clone stood up, putting his dish in the sink before running out the door, calling a see yah over his shoulder. Paul ran out right after him, grumbling. Wonder where they're goin?

_None of you Goddamn business that's where bitch_.

Inwardly I flinched at the voice, wishing the numbness would come back.

"Ha, Paul's stuck with Quil," one laughed. Jacob, I think. They all look the same to me: tall, tan, toned.

"Great, like he isn't grouchy enough," another said, wait Jared. Yeah that's it…I think.

_You think? Stupid, stupid, stupid. _

No. No bad thoughts. I'm not stupid, I just have my moments. That's all.

Pretty soon, the fork came up empty, and after rinsing the plate off, I put them in the dishwasher. Most of the guys had gone, leaving me, Emily, Embry and Sam alone.

"Here, I got it," I whispered, taking the dish from Emily, before plunging it into the hot water.

"No, I got it," she insisted.

I shook my head, and blocked her from the sink.

She huffed, and grabbed a dishtowel. "Fine, I'll dry."

Feeling his eyes on my back as I worked, I hunched my shoulders, and tried to ignore him.

Does he know? Did Emily tell them about Dad? What if she did? What if-

No. Emily wouldn't do that. Right?

When we were done, I turned to outside, but was startled to see that the creepy dude wasn't there. But he was in the living room; with my head down, and shuffling quickly I scurried to the door.

"You okay?" he asked

Stopping, I turned towards him, and nodded. Waiting for a snide remark about fixing that, followed by the little bell in my head, I was a little surprised when it didn't. Glancing up, and just like yesterday, everything went away. The pain, the urge, everything. Startled, I looked away and it all came back…though it wasn't as strong, as cheesy as that sounds. It was there, but I could ignore it, like actually ignore it.

Okay, something is so wrong with this place…or maybe it's just me.

It's me, all ways has been, why should moving across the country change that? I could move to China and nothing would change. I'd always be worthless, nothing, a piece of shit. Just a ghost drifting through life, waiting for a car to come 'n' run over.

"Huh?" I flinched and came back to earth to see Embry, concern on his face, standing near me.

"You sure? You sorta…" he asked, reaching out towards me. I flinched as sadness ran across his face, but he put his hand down.

I nodded, swallowing. "Y-yeah. I'm fine."

He looked unconvinced, but didn't say anything else. Keeping an eye on him, I slipped out the door. Letting out a deep breath, my heart racing, I sat on the edge of the porch. Rain dripped on me occasionally running down my neck to my back, but it felt good. As soon as I'd left him, everything had settled back to normal, as normal as it gets anyway, but still the rain was soothing.

Now what?

**I know it's not the best, I couldn't think of a better way to end it or put a cliffy in. Sorry :( I know the cutting thing doesn't the best take on it, I don't have any personal experience with it. If anyone thinks there's something wrong with it, just send me a message, and I'll try and fix it. **

**Please review. :) **


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry, it took me longer to update :( Been busy, homework and crap. **

**Hey, okay first thing first, just want to say a giant thanks to all who reviewed, favorited or alerted the story. This includes…**

_Zoe_

_Munchkin Jeeves_

_Xoembryloveox -_not sure why you can't review, but thanks for the messages. :)

**And finally giant, huge thanks to **_jades113_**for reviewing every chapter and the constructive criticism. :)**

**And now on with the next chapter.**

_Previously_

_He looked unconvinced, but didn't say anything else. Keeping an eye on him, I slipped out the door. Letting out a deep breath, my heart racing, I sat on the edge of the porch. Rain dripped on me occasionally running down my neck to my back, but it felt good. As soon as I'd left him, everything had settled back to normal, as normal as it gets anyway, but still the rain was soothing. _

_Now what?_

_I stood in the woods, rain drizzling, as usual. Despite the rain though, everything was peaceful, the urge was there yeah, but I could ignore it. Leaning against a tree, I closed my eyes, letting the calm surroundings cloud my senses. The thought of where the heck I was crossed my mind, but I shrugged it off, figuring I'd find my way back somehow. An unexpected light caused me to open my eyes to see the sun staining to shine through the clouds and leaves. _

Okay this is turning into a Kodak moment. Since when has anything in my life been a Kodak moment?

_I stiffened when I felt a pair of eyes on me, and look around, trying to find the owner. A giant knot twisted my stomach, and fear made its way up and down my spine. Turning, I just caught a glimpse of something stirring behind a nearby tree. _

Crap. Is it Dad? Did he find me? What if it's him? I'm dead. So dead, like beaten to unrecognizable then left for the bears gonna find only my bones dead. Okay, maybe I exaggerated just a bit, seen a little too much Criminal Minds and CSI, but hey if there's people weird enough to think of that stuff, shouldn't there be actual crazy people like that? Example A: Jack the Ripper or example B: the Clown Killer.

There are crazy people in this world 'folks.

_A hand grabbed my shoulder, whipping me around. Only it wasn't my dad. A guy with short brown hair and extremely pale skin smirked at me, glaring me up and down with crimson red eyes. _

_Ummm….Red?_

_Attempting to rip out of his gasp was like trying to rip out of concrete. The peaceful air was gone sending the urge back in full force. A shiver ran through me at the contact, though it wasn't just from the coldness of his skin. Starting to feel panic twist my stomach, knowing a freak out attack thingy was coming on. I pulled my fist back to punch the guy, but in a flash he'd grabbed it, twisting it 'til a SNAP sounded. _

_A bell went off. _

No the loud snap didn't clue me in thank you, _I thought sarcastically. _

_The guy's gaze snapped to behind me, and, being the idiot I am, glanced over my shoulder. A bunch of giant wolves stood near the tree line, snarling and growling. Okay there were only 3, but these things were gigantic._

_The guy smiled though it was cold, and his eyes locked back on me before he bit, yes bit, my wrist. I stared at him, completely dumbfounded, before someone lit me on fire. Pain coursed through me. No not some bell ringing in my head actual pain, something I hadn't felt in years. My mouth opened, but the scream was stuck in my throat; just like every other time._

_Snarling and growling erupted around me, before the pain consumed me. _

Jerking awake, gasping I jumped out of bed or rather attempted to jump out of bed. I wasn't exactly planning on the sheets being tangled around my legs, resulting me landing on the floor with oof.

Sitting up, glancing around the room, I realized that it'd been a dream. But that pain had been real, or at least it'd felt like it. Everything had felt real; god look up nightmare in the dictionary and you'd fine that. A shiver ran up my spine, but I ignored it and got up. Tossing the sheets and covers back on, I went to look out the window. This was my usual routine, wake up, then go look out the window; open it if it wasn't raining too bad. It wasn't today, so I cracked it a bit letting the cool air fill the room.

Taking a deep breath I tried to let the air chase away the nightmare. That'd been a freaky one; last time I checked guys didn't have red eyes and randomly bite people. And what was with wolves the size of trucks?

The devil inside me screamed, hungry; I hadn't gone this long without cutting in a while, almost since I'd started. It's Wednesday and I'm 20 days cut free. A small trace of hope made me smile a bit; maybe I can beat this without help. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Grabbing some fresh clothes, my last I noticed, the makeup, and after peeking out the door, I shuffled to the bathroom. Locking the door and stripping, I hopped in the shower, letting the warm water release the tension in my muscles. After washing up, I got out and pulled the clothes on, an old pair of dark blue jeans, and a dark red long-sleeved shirt that some faded now unreadable word on the front. I smiled again when I saw that my face was clear enough to not need any makeup save the one on my jaw, but with a quick swish of makeup that was gone too. I ran my fingers through my hair before pulling it up in a pony-tail, though I had to cover part of a bruise that was showing on the back of my neck near the collar. Looking myself up and down, I actually smiled a bit.

Today was gonna be a good day.

Before I even made it all the way down the stairs, I could hear the guys eating, or at least I hope it was the guys. Sounded like a pack of wolves or something. Sneaking in, I grabbed a plate and tossed some food on it. I noticed a girl I hadn't seen before talking with Emily. She had black hair that went down a little past her shoulders, and was tan just like everyone else. Leaning against the counter, I stared at the ground as I shoved food pretty much down my throat. Feeling his eyes on me, yes I already knew who it was, I shifted uncomfortably, pausing mid-bite.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up to see Embry smile when I caught his gaze. Just like when I'd first met him that same 'everything's okay' feeling flooded me, and I looked away. Yeah I know weird. But it's odd when I don't have that familiar slight paranoia, and at least the slight urge to cut. It just feels so non-normal 'cause it's been there so long that I'm almost addicted to it. Just another problem with me, *sigh*; I think it'd just be easier to tell you what's not wrong with me.

No, not gonna think like that. Today's a good day.

I waved a bit, and his face lit up like a Christmas tree, before turning back to the plate.

"Good morning Rowan," Emily greeted coming to put her plate in the dishwasher next to me.

"Mornin," I gave a small smile.

"Oh, Rowan this is Kim, Jared's girlfriend. Kim this is my cousin Rowan."

Kim smiled and stuck out her hand. "I remember Emily talking about you when we first met. It's nice to finally meet you."

I quickly shook her hand, before folding my arms across my chest again, and looking down. "Nice to meet you too," I mumbled.

"Hey Rowan did you drop something or…" Quil asked mouth half-full.

"Oh…umm. I fell," I mumbled, looking at the ground.

He laughed a bit which failed when he started choking.

" 'S what you get," I muttered, taking another bite of eggs.

He glared at me, coughing, while everyone else was chuckling. And I did something that surprised even me. I stuck my tongue out at him; I know mature right. Oh crap, maybe that wasn't a good idea. Would he get mad? Would he-

Any idea that involved me and a busted mouth soon dissolved as he chuckled, and stuck his tongue out too. And I thought I was immature.

After putting my plate in the dishwasher, I wrapped my arms around myself, watching the guys. Standing there my mind didn't have a distraction which meant the dream started replaying. Unconsciously I shivered as I remembered his touch, and the pain, not the best dream in the world.

_Just your imagination. No one has red eyes_ _and there ain't wolves the size of mini F-150's in the world last time I checked. But what do I know?_

"Hey, you okay?" someone whispered next to me.

I jumped, knocking a bunch of pans on the counter behind me over, when I noticed it was Embry. I blushed when everyone turned to stare at me, and hurried to restack the pans.

"Sorry," I mumbled, and hurried into the living room, sitting on the bottom stair.

_See, you can't do anything right bitch. You can't go one day without doing something wrong you worthless piece of shit. _The voice cut, hacking me to pieces. It went on and on, copying my dad word for word, only it wasn't his tone that was slowly battering me to nothing. It was mine.

"Rowan?" Embry's voice stopped the internal beating, and I looked up to see him standing near me, concern on his face.

Anger started to bubble at his concern, but it went away when I glanced in his eyes. Just like before everything went away, except this time I didn't look away right away.

"Huh?" was the only viable response I got out. Why the heck was I acting like this? I don't care about boys; trust me that is the last thing on my mind.

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He was the one who broke eye contact first this time, as he leaned against the wall. Everything came back, but, again, just like before I could ignore the urge, and everything else seemed like an annoying little fly.

"I-I was just….wondering…how are you?" he asked, rubbing the back of his head, though he still stared at me.

Ummmm…okay?

I stared at the ground and shrugged, starting to wish that the little happy me would take over or whatever. Personal questions not my thing, or any questions for that matter.

"So…you fell?" he asked, humor in his voice.

I nodded. "Told yah. Klutz." I pointed to myself, and shifted uncomfortably at his continuous gaze. I guess he noticed-finally! - and I felt his eyes leave me. He laughed, and I wished I was somewhere else. This guy could easily beat me probably til I was dead or dying. What did he want? Was he just toying with me? Laughing 'cause he knew I was abused, and that he could blackmail with me it or something? Crazy, slightly paranoid thoughts ran through my head, as my mind tried to weed out the ones that were too crazy, even for me.

Can anyone say awkward silence?

I was grateful when the boys came trampling in, disrupting the non-existent conversation; not that I'm complaining.

"Hey Embry, come on we gotta go. Lee-left the bike when I came here and I rememberin' you wanting to help with it." Jared said, reluctantly loosening his grip on Kim's waist. He gave her a quick kiss, before she pushed him towards the door. Embry was even more reluctant to move. I felt his gaze return, and heard his slow, pretty deliberate steps as he moved towards the door. The uncomfortable feeling that his staring caused didn't disappear until the door slammed.

Okay someone please explain what the heck is going on. 'Cause I left a totally non-normal house to find someplace that's at least relatively, or even a tiny bit, normal. Yet I can't seem to freakin do that. Okay maybe I set the bar a little too high, but someplace where there aren't giant, muscular dudes with one of them staring at me like I'm the most interesting thing in the world apparently is very hard to find.

I was snapped out of my self-questioning by the door slamming again, and saw that only Sam, and Emily were left in the living room, though I could hear Emily busy in the kitchen.

"So how do you like La Push so far?" Kim asked.

I shrugged. "I like it, it rain's a lot."

She laughed, but it wasn't one of the funny 'bust a gut' laugh, more a 'yeah I know' one.

It was silent after that, and I went into the kitchen to offer Emily some help. As usual she tried to disagree and push me out, but, again, as usual, I ended up drying and putting away. When we were done, it was still sprinkling.

"Can-can I go for a walk?" I asked quietly.

Emily smiled. "Sure, you don't have to ask. Just take a jacket or something, it might start raining harder."

I smiled a bit before running upstairs and grabbing my grey hoodie with skulls on it. After shoving shoes on my feet, I ran downstairs and was almost out the door when Sam called me. I stuck my head back in, still halfway out the door; ready to run.

"Stay out of the woods kay?" he asked.

I nodded, looking at the ground, before slipping back out.

Better not to push my luck with Sam, so I headed towards the beach. Waves crashed along the shore, but aside from that it was quiet. I shivered as a cool breeze came off the ocean, but other than that it was pretty nice out here. Driftwood, large and small, laid randomly up on the beach, like lost souls that'd been left behind. Unlike the beaches I saw on TV, there weren't any bird flying around or anything like that. It was quiet.

Stopping to lean against a large piece of discarded tree, I stared out to sea. The urge was quiet for the most part anyway; there wasn't anything to stir it up. For the first time in eleven years, it felt like everything could be fine, like maybe I could have a somewhat normal life.

Hah, yeah right and maybe the US would pay off the giant debt to China.

"Rowan?"

I jumped as Embry jumped over the log, landing next to me. I scrambled away, heart racing.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry. I should have said something or something," he babbled.

I looked at the ground, and shrugged. Shifting from one foot to another, I backed up a bit. Pain crossed his face for a second and my stomach twisted at the sight.

Wait a second, why'd it do that? Bad stomach.

We stood there, awkwardly, as usual. The urge was fighting me again, but this time it was…losing? What the heck? God, like I'm already not messed up enough.

"You shouldn't be out here by yourself," he blurted out, distracting me from the internal…whatever it was.

I raised an eyebrow. Say's who.

He glanced down sheepishly. "I mean you could get hurt and then…no one would find you," he finished lamely.

I shrugged again, but it didn't mean anything. What did he mean by that? Was he gonna beat me 'n' leave me out here? He could, he's big enough. Crap, he's right. I'm out here all alone, he could do anything and there's a good chance I couldn't stop him no matter how hard I fought. Oh my god, I'm dead. He's gonna beat me.

"I-I…uh….I'm sorry. I gotta go." Turning around- even though I despised running away, - I hurried back to Emily's, glancing over my shoulder to see him still standing there. Slowing down, the malnutrition kicked in, making it hard to catch my breath. Thanks Dad. Taking a few deep breaths, I broke back into a run, feeling the urge on my heels. As casually as possible, I slipped inside, to see Emily and Sam curled up on the couch.

"How was your walk?"

"Good," I mumbled, hurrying up the stairs. Closing the door behind me, I locked it and sank to the floor, shirt in death grip. God I wanted to cut so bad; it hurt. I'd messed up, just like always 'cause I can't do anything right. I'm stupid and worthless.

And ain't no one gonna change that.

**Good/ Bad? What? Sorry the ending was bad, promise the next chapter will be better, more suspense you could say. It's almost done cause it was originally this chapter, but I thought it moved the story to fast so it will be up soon. **

**Hey, I know it's kinda later in the story, but I was wondering if you guys think I should put a chapter with Embry's POV's up? Just wondering. Let me know what you think by doing everyone a favor and leaving a review. :) **


	6. Chapter 6

** Hey, sorry it took me longer than expected to update, I really was planning on finishing this then getting up like the next day. But…life just happened. School, life, sorta went into a mini depression, I didn't type for a little over a week. Though that's not excuse, so again soo sorry! :( I'll try and get the next chapter up soon. **

**Just wanna give a shout out to all the people who reviewed, alerted or favorite the story. This includes…**

_CaseyMichelle91_

_ clo123456_

_ VaMpIrEoBsEsSed280_

**Thanks! :) **

** And not that I'm grateful for the reviews and alerts and favorites. Believe me I am, it's the only thing keeping this story going. :) But I get all these hits and visitors, and only a few responses. It makes me think that the story's not good or something, and if y'all think it is, then just let me know and I'll work on it.**

** Also I'm looking for a beta for the story. It'd be amazing if someone did, so if anyone would like to just send me a PM. :)**

** Now on with the story.**

_Previously_

"_How was your walk?"_

"_Good," I mumbled, hurrying up the stairs. Closing the door behind me, I locked it and sank to the floor, shirt in death grip. God I wanted to cut so bad; it hurt. I'd messed up, just like always 'cause I can't do anything right. I'm stupid and worthless. _

_And ain't no one gonna change that. _

Loosening my grip on the shirt, I shakily got to my feet, and went and opened the window. Rain covered the panel, but I didn't notice, as I took deep breaths.

_In, out. In, out. _I chanted in my head, imagining the urge leaving me. Slowly-boy did it take it's time- it calmed down, enough for me to open my eyes. Voices floated upstairs, but I ignored them, focusing on not wanting to cut. Sliding down the wall, not trusting my legs at the moment, I stared out the window, though I didn't see anything. I'd over reacted plain and simple. Yes I didn't trust Embry, but still...

The odds of him being another abuser are pretty big

_But with my luck he'd be like some crazy serial killer who beats his victims to death_, I thought sarcastically. Finally noticing the rain pooling on the window seal, threatening to waterfall to the floor, I grabbed a shirt, shut the window, and quickly mopped the mess up. The familiar motion, made the quieted urge growl in protest.

"_What the hell is this?" he jerked me again, his hand still wrapped around my upper arm. _

_Cuts, big, small, deep, light, littered my bare upper arm. Staring at the ground, his words flew right over my head. Numbness kept the shame that crept at me at bay. _

"_What the hell is this you shit?" he yelled again before he threw me against the wall. My brain registered the hit, but, just like usual, the pain didn't. _

"_So…you're one of them cutter freaks," he snarled, kicking me in the chest. "What I don't beat you enough. You gotta do it yourself?" Another kick, but this one caught me in the face, since he was so drunk. His words, no matter how slurred they were, still cut me deeper than anything I would have done. They were the only things that hurt me whenever they came out of his mouth every now and then. The rest- like bitch, and piece of shit to name a few-I'd gotten so used to that they just went right through me._

_He kicked me again and again, but no pain was ever felt. Eventually he stumbled over to the couch, and passed out. Numb, I got to my feet and staggered to the bathroom. Not even bothering to shut the door, I reached under the sink and pulled out my own form of drug. Grabbing some paper-towels I sliced into my upper arm, letting the slowly emerging crimson brush away the burning words. _

_Letting out a deep breath, and sitting on the edge of the tub. I covered the new cut, and ran my finger over the blade, feeling the teeth gently bite my skin not enough to draw blood, but just enough. _

Curled up on the bed, music blaring as loud as it would go, I tried to drown out the memories in my head. So not working. Linkin Park screamed in my head, fighting a losing battle.

_Crawling in my skin  
These wounds they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real_

There's something inside me  
That pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming, confusing  
This lack of self control I fear  
Is never ending, controlling

I can't seem to find myself again  
My walls are closing in  
(Without a sense of confidence)  
(I'm convinced that there's)  
(Just too much pressure to take)  
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin  
These wounds they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled  
Itself upon me distracting, reacting  
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again  
My walls are closing in  
(Without a sense of confidence)  
(I'm convinced that there's)  
(Just too much pressure to take)  
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin  
These wounds they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real

Crawling in my skin  
These wounds they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing, confusing what is real

There's something inside me  
That pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming  
(Confusing what is real)  
This lack of self control I fear  
Is never ending, controlling  
(Confusing what is real)

Now that Shinoda **(A/N I think this is the guy who sings in background, sorry if it's not.)** mentions it, the line 'confusing what is real' fit's moi perfectly right now 'cause right now every man I saw reminded me of my Dad. Traveled across the country and I still can't get rid of him. Everything I heard, everything I saw reminded me of him, _was_ him. I couldn't get away; I don't think I'd ever get away actually.

Whiskey Lullaby began to roll, soothing the urge and me. Turning it down a bit, my eyes closed. I just wanted to sleep, to leave everything behind. Only when sleep came, could I leave this world behind. Yet the nightmares that plagued me wouldn't let me sleep sleep, they kept me on the brink of unconscious and the dreamless sleep everyone craves.

Please just let me sleep, I silently begged, before the soothing acoustic of Brad and Alison knocked me out.

Loud voices jerked me awake, ripping the earphones out as well.

Gasping, I shivered as the yelling got louder for a second.

"Please just let me see if she's okay," I thought it was Embry, and the thing on the beach came back.

_Stupid. Your stupid, and worthless, and can't do anything. _

My fingers itched to cut, to get rid of the hollow feeling that was slowly eating me into nothing.

Fading, soft, sunlight streamed in through the water droplets, creating little rainbows on the floor and walls. They held no happiness though, nothing good. They were just colors cast on the plaster and wood, just little spots that had nothing to them. Taking a deep breath, I shoved the earphones back in, just wanting to ignore the yelling, the urge, everything.

Getting up, I opened the window again. It was still raining outside, but what else is new here? My vision focused out into the woods, feeling little droplets hit my face every now and then. The song changed.

_It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen  
All dressed in white  
Going to the church that night  
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat  
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue  
And when the church doors opened up wide  
She put her veil down  
Trying to hide the tears  
Oh she just couldn't believe it  
She heard trumpets from the military band  
And the flowers fell out of her hand_

Baby why'd you leave me  
Why'd you have to go?  
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
I can't even breathe  
It's like I'm looking from a distance  
Standing in the background  
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
This can't be happening to me  
This is just a dream

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray  
Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt  
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard  
Then they handed her a folded up flag  
And she held on to all she had left of him  
Oh, and what could have been  
And then the guns rang one last shot  
And it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby why'd you leave me  
Why'd you have to go?  
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
I can't even breathe  
It's like I'm looking from a distance  
Standing in the background  
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
This can't be happening to me  
This is just a dream

Oh,  
Baby why'd you leave me  
Why'd you have to go?  
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
Oh, now I'll never know  
It's like I'm looking from a distance  
Standing in the background  
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
This can't be happening to me  
This is just a dream

Oh, this is just a dream  
Just a dream  
Yeah, Yeah

Is that what this is? Just a dream that sooner or later I'd be ripped from and thrown back into the nightmare I'd grown to know as life.

_ Life's not passin' me by, it's trying to run me over,_ I thought, half-smiling sadly.

With a sigh, I shut the window. Might as well enjoy this, never know when it's gonna end. Yes when not if 'cause that's just the way life works.

Book in hand, I crept downstairs though I might as well have stomped down; the boys seemed to have super hearing. As usual they were all in the living room, though Jacob and Quil were missing. Don't these dudes have houses of their own? Embry, who'd been pacing, stopped and glanced up worry written on his face though it was replaced by a giant grin when he saw me. Though there was still worry in his eyes and pulling at the corners of his mouth, which caused me to look away uncomfortably. I waved a bit before going outside, sitting in one of the chairs on the porch. Pulling my knees up close, the spine protested as I flipped it open. Rain pounded over head, and a cool breeze blew through, but hey what else is new?

I was halfway through, give or take when the door creaked, causing me to jump. Turning, I saw Embry leaning out the door. His face asked if he could join me, and hesitantly I nodded. His face resembled a kid's on Christmas morning. Ummm…okay? I put my legs back down, dog-earring the page, as he dragged the other chair to the other side of the deck, before sitting in it.

What could he want?

Holding the book to my chest I stared at the ground, tracing the lines in the wood. Just like before, I was able to ignore the devil that clawed at me, while everything else was gone.

"Sorry, about earlier?" he blurted out.

I guess he could see the question on my face, because he continued.

"I mean- I didn't mean to scare you or anythin'" he rambled.

"Oh. 'S kay," I mumbled, looking at the ground.

Can you saw awkward silence with a capital 'A'.

"So…where do you live?" he asked.

_No, he don't mean anything by it,_ I told myself, panic beginning to bubble in me.

"Umm…uhh…Virginia," I whispered.

"Oh."

We fell in silence the only noise being the rain and the occasional shout from inside.

"So…when are you going back?"

Uh-oh. Crap

"Ummm…probably Saturday, but my friend called the other day. Said there was a giant storm and if it hit right school'd' be out. So if it hits, I may stay longer," I mumbled, watching him to see if he caught the lie. Sadness crossed his face first, but was followed soon by relief.

Uhhh…okay? Was that a good thing?

"Oh well I hope you can stay longer," he told, before his face got red. "I mean-like it'd suck to go during summer, I know I hate it, but…" he trailed off as I scooted the chair farther away. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

I glanced away and shrugged, though inside my mind was racing. What did he mean by that? Is he some creeper or something? Maybe he got a hold of Dad somehow, and he's on his way? What if he's like Dad? Is he gonna hit me?

_He is bitch. You thought you'd get away. No one will ever want you you worthless piece of shit! You're nothing. Why would he be nice to someone like you? _

"Sorry," I mumbled, before scurrying back inside. I let the door slam behind me, racing up the stairs. Locking the bathroom door, I slid down to the ground. God, I wanted-needed to cut; it hurt so much. The pressure was terrible; I was gonna explode any second. Leaving the goop that was me splattered on the floor and walls. My fingers itched to make their own marks; I twisted them into my jeans. Taking deep breaths, slowly I got up and splashed cold water on my face. After a few minutes my fingers started going numb and I leaned against the counter, water running down my neck. I splashed a few more handfuls of the icy water on my face before grabbing a towel and drying off. Taking another deep breath, I slid back down.

_Its okay, you don't need it. Everything's fine, well…finer. I didn't slip up. I didn't slip up._

I was startled out of my thoughts by a knock.

"Rowan? You okay?" Emily asked.

"Yeah." Thank you steady voice.

"Can I come in?"

"Ummm," I checked myself in the mirror to see my check was back to normal and the black eye would probably be gone by tomorrow. My jaw was still pretty bad, but it was better than before. Wait…Emily knows so… With a deep breath, I unlocked the door and cautiously opened it. "Sorry, I just got a little freaked out," I mumbled, staring at the ground.

"Oh."

I glanced up and saw Emily hand fly to her mouth.

"Did he…?" she whispered.

I nodded, "It ain't that bad, it's gotten a lot better," I whispered.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, reaching out to give me a quick hug. Girl learns fast.

I shrugged, and muttered "Its fine,"

"Your stubborn just like your mom," she told pulling back, glancing once more at my jaw and eye, before turning to go back downstairs.

Clutching the towel like it was the only thing keeping me here; I crept back to the spare room, grabbing my bag and sneaking back. After mixing the make-up in, I went back to the room.

I hadn't cut. I'd wanted to, I usually would have, but I didn't.

Silent, half-hearted cheer.

Taking anything slightly positive I could get, I pulled my sleeves down a bit more, though they didn't need it, and went back to the staircase. With another deep breath, as quietly as I could I went back downstairs. Thankfully no one stared at me, when I slunk into the kitchen, though I could feel a certain someone's eyes on me. Emily was in the kitchen-shocker, no offense to her though- stirring a giant bowl of…well I don't know actually.

"You need any help?" I whispered, going up next to her.

"Nope," she said, popping the 'p'.

I nodded, though it didn't mean anything, before noticing an old radio in the corner by the fridge. "Does it work?" I whispered, nodding towards the device.

"Umm…I can't remember actually," she chuckled. "You can try."

Grabbing the radio, I went to the table, sitting down, and turning the on/off dial til it clicked. Static came on, so I fiddled with the little knob that changed stations. A few stations came in, some stronger than others. "Do you like country?" I asked.

She nodded, "Some. I think the station is 99.3, somewhere around there."

In a few seconds the slow, rhythmic tune of Tim McGraw's _If Your Readin This_ floated through the room. Making sure it wasn't loud enough to disturb the guys in the other room, though I doubt they would have heard it at speaker bustin volume, them guys were loud as heck. I folded my arms on the table, listening to the music. Emily started humming along, and Sam came in, wrapping his arms around Emily's waist, giving her a quick kiss. I looked away, self-conscious of the private moment.

The phone ringing startled everyone, though I was the only one to jump a bit.

"Can you grab that?" Emily asked.

"Yeah." Turning the radio down, I grabbed the phone out of its charger thingy. "Hello?"

"Hey bitch."

**Eh, sorta cliffy, but still a cliffy. *evil grin.* Also, the first song is Crawling by Linkin Park and the second one is Just A Dream by Carrie Underwood. You guys should listen to it, it's so sad. :( Even if you don't like country, just give it a chance. **

**So…oh yeah. Please review :) Would really, and I mean realllllly make my day right now. So please? **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey, sorry it longer than expected to get the chapter up. Fanfic was havin those issues, which are now, obviously, fixed. YAY! Also, just to warn you now, I know my updating record isn't exactly the best, but for the next month and half I won't be able to update a lot really. I'm going into major study mode for the AP World History test, and for any of you who have taken that class, you know how much stuff there is. 40 freakin chapters! OH my god. Also I'm trying to keep Chem grade up, barely passing right now. 70 YAY XD But I'm havin to relearn a lot, so, long story short, expect few updates from now on til probably Juneish. Sorry. :( I'll try and update when I can, but I don't know. So again sorry! :(**

** Okay, I just want to give a GIANT shout out and thanks to all those who reviewed, alerted or favorited the story! :):) This includes…**

___Gracie8290_

_ Munchkin Jeeves_

_ maxridelovr1995_

_ wolfpack princess_

_ Xoembryloveox-still_ not sure why you can't review…

_ VaMpIrEoBsEsSed280_

_ Takara Rose Oizumi_

_ twilightZone46_

_ Tails42_

_ dancinggirl42609_

**And let me give a giant THANKS! to**___blueicefireNINJA4__-_love the name by the way. XD- **for reviewin 4 times. :) **

**You guys are awesome! :) 9 reviews, and 8 of them in 1 day! XD XD XD I can't thank you enough! :) :) :) Really Truly Freakin Amazing! :) * major happy dance* Really I could go on forever on how happy this made me. XD But I know you want to get to the story sooooo *dramatic deep breath* I will leave it with this. **

** Also I'm still looking for a beta for this story. So if anyone has the time, and wouldn't mind and would like to, just send me a PM.**

_Previously_

_The phone ringing startled everyone, though I was the only one to jump a bit._

"_Can you grab that?" Emily asked._

_ "Yeah." Turning the radio down, I grabbed the phone out of its charger thingy. "Hello?"_

_ "Hey bitch."_

My heart stopped, and my stomach twisted into nothing. Unconsciously, my hand tightened on the phone otherwise I would have dropped it. Once my heart stared up again, it was racing a mile a minute.

"Uhhh….I'm afraid you have the wrong number," I tried to sounded as offended as possible, before slamming the phone down, missing the charger thingy a few times cause my hand was shaking so bad. My legs had turned to jello, and I leaned against the counter, gripping the edge to keep from falling down. Not the best thing to do with people still in the room.

People? Emily. Oh. My God. She freakin told! Emily called him, and now he's on his way here. I trusted her, and she went and called him. Wh-wha-how-when…why?

I don't know what bothered me more, the fact that my dad was on his way her to drag me back to the hell-hole known as my life, or the fact that I'd trusted my cousin and then she'd told turned right around

_Well duh. You stupid bitch, you actually thought she'd keep your secret. *snort* Yeah right. You're as stupid as he says. Why would she want her shitty piece of trash cousin around? Dumbass for actually thinkin she gave a damn about you. You're worthless, nothing. Why would anyone give a fuck about you?_

"Who was that? Rowan what's wrong?"

My gaze focused on _her_ to see her looking at me with concern. Anger twisted in my already non-existent stomach; why the hell is she looking at me like that? I don't want her concern. Sam, who still had his arm wrapped around her, was shaking slightly. Emily leaned back against him, I don't even think she realized she did it, and his grip tightened as the shaking stopped.

"Wrong number," I mumbled, returning to look at the ground. _Like you don't know bitch, _I thought bitterly.

The concern was still on her face, and I felt mine begin to twist into a scowl.

"Are you sure? Was it-"

"No, it was the wrong number" I snapped.

Silence filled the house; even the boys had gone quiet in the living room. As cliché as it sounds you could have heard a freakin pin drop.

"I'm sorry-I didn't mean-sorry-I…sorry."

In a daze-like state, I ran up the stairs and into the room I was staying in. Hands shaking, I locked the door, before it actually hit me.

Dad knew where I was.

Oh. Shit.

_This is what you get for actually thinkin' you could trust someone. No one wants you; no one will ever want you. Your just a-_

Leave.

That was the only thought that got through the self-abuse.

Leave. Get as far away as I can. _Now._

Quickly I packed everything I'd brought; shoving what money I had left to the bottom. When my fingers brushed something that made me freeze.

My throat closed for a second as I gazed at the folded, worn from age, picture. It was taken when I was four, just before the accident, at a lake back in Virginia. I was sitting on the dock with my mom, both of us were smiling and I was waving like the crazy kid I was. My mom had been from La Push so she had the typical black hair, her's came down to her shoulders, the natural tan and the deep, dark brown eyes. Everything was great back then, everything was normal; I had a family. My dad had taken the picture; he'd been an actual dad before everything turned upside down, no drinking, no beatings, no nothing. It'd been perfect back then.

Carefully, I stowed the picture back at the bottom, making sure it there wasn't anyway it could accidently fall out or something.

Taking a breath, I noticed that it was dark outside, which meant that it was dark in the room; I hadn't turned on any lights during the little panic attack. So how in the heck did I manage to pack everything in the dark?

I shook my head. It didn't matter, all that mattered now was getting away as far and as fast as I can. But how?

_Does it matter, _I thought rhetorically.

But still…

I shook my head again. Focus, running.

_Still you wouldn't have to run if you hadn't trusted _her, the stupid voice whispered.

_No, if she hadn't told then I wouldn't have to run, _I thought. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm still shocked that Emily actually called Dad. I'd trusted her-no woman had ever given me a reason not to- and she'd turned right around 'n' done this. How…why? Was it all my fault?

_Probably is, since when have you ever been able to do anything right? Since when has anyone wanted you? That's right never. _

I tried to ignore the voice, but couldn't. It's right, it's my fault. Everything's always my fault. I deserve this. I deserve to always be hit when I do something wrong, to always have to run, to always be a stupid piece of shit.

It was like in a dream; I didn't know what I was doing. I hadn't even realized what I'd done… until the slice of pain registered.

Startled, I looked down to see tiny drops of blood in the bathtub.

_Where had they come from? _

Another one fell to the fiberglass just as something tickled my arm. Almost, machine-like my gaze shifted to it to see a steady trickle of blood trailing down my arm. I stared, almost hypnotized, as blood dribbled out before sliding down the established path until it reached my elbow and dropped into the tub.

Something clicked when it hit the floor, and I glanced down to see what. A razor, sharp, new and speckled with blood laid there, tossed aside since it'd already completed its job.

The weight on my chest lifted slightly, and it felt like I could breathe again. But at what cost?

**Embry's POV**

The woods rushed by me in a blur; Mom and I had gotten in another fight again. I hated not telling her, but it was better this way. She already freaked out when I used to ask about my dad, so she'd really freak out if she found out about the wolf thing.

Mentally I sighed. Sometime's this wolf thing is a real pain in the ass.

An image of Rowan flashed in my head, and I felt my heart skip a beat as cheesy, and corny as that sounds.

Who cares if I'm a wolf, and everything else sucks. As long as Rowan's in my life, I'd be happy. But only if she wanted me; though I hoped she never would.

Course when I'd first met her, wait before I even met her, I'd hurt her.

_Hurrying to Emily's, I quickly phased back, pulling on my shorts. Everyone else was already there which meant that all the food was probably gone by now. My stomach growled, not that it ever stopped, as I opened the door. _

_ Bang. _

_ Something fell to the floor. _

_ "Oh. I'm sorry-" I looked down and my world stopped. All connections I had were gone: connection to the pack gone, connection to my mom gone, connection to this world gone. The only thing holding me here was the girl on the floor. _

_And I'd already hurt her._

_She shifted, and muttered "'Skay." _

_It was not okay. I hadn't even known her, and I'd hurt her; before I'd even imprinted on her. _

"_Are you okay? I'm sorry. I didn't see you, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry," I blabbed. _

"_I'm fine, it's nothin," she mumbled, before going into the kitchen. Paul smirked at me for a second, and I growled at him, low enough that only he could hear. Following my imprint into the kitchen, I saw her washing off the blood. My heart twisted at that._

Despite everything-though after the first meeting can I really blame her- she still avoided me, it wasn't only me though. It was all the guys, she was really only a little comfortable around Emily, but it wasn't much. I wanted to help her; she was just so distant. I hoped every day that she would relax at least a little; I'd do anything for her to not be jumpy all the time, give anything to make her smile, but she wouldn't let me.

Sliding to a halt-stupid rain made everything like ice- I picked up the quiet footsteps, despite the thunder pounding overhead. Changing direction, I noticed I was headed towards the road that led to Emily's and Sam's.

_Who'd be out this late?_

It wasn't that red-haired vampire, would have smelt the leech from miles away, besides she wouldn't have made this much noise. Slowing down a bit, I caught a wiff of…

Rowan? What's she doing out this late? She could get hurt-

A growl rose up in my chest at that thought. I wouldn't let anything hurt her.

Cautiously, I moved to the tree line, pretty sure she wouldn't be able to see me. Not that she would recognize me, wolf remember, but I didn't want to scare her.

Listen to me; I'm starting to sound like Quil. Still…

My attention was drawn back to my imprint as she stumbled a bit, before continuing on. She shifted something, and I caught the faint sound of something clanking. Moving a little bit closer, I saw a backpack thrown over her shoulder.

Was she leaving? No-no she can't. She can't leave!

Panic started to bubble in me. I shifted back and forth, wanting to dart out and stop her.

Why would she be leaving? Was it something I'd done? Maybe I tried to hard? Maybe-

I was about to shift when a disgusting smell made me freeze. Tensed, I listened for any signs, before quickly moving to keep pace with Rowan, all the while keeping an eye out for the leech. I had to get _it _away from Rowan before it tried to hurt her. Key word tried. There was no way that the leech was getting anyway near Rowan. The rain made it hard to keep track of her, but crossing a fresher scent, I rounded to see her on the other side of the road, grinning. Noticing that she was so close to Rowan, who was unaware of the danger she was in, made a growl rise up in me.

She smiled even bigger, and darted out til she was mere inches from Rowan.

**So? What'd you guys think? Sorry that was a really odd ending/cliffy. I know Embry's POV wasn't the best, sorry about that. I'm not very good with the whole mindset of a imprinter. Also sorry about the POV changes. **

**Please review and tell.**

**Also thanks to blueicefireNINJA4 for giving me the idea for having Rowan to cut again, I'd thought of having her slip up later on, but your idea made me figure it might fit this chapter better, with what was going on and everything. **

** Also, you all know the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan, if you line up the dates of it and 9/11 like this…**

_**9/11/01**_

_** 3/10/11**_

__**Then add them together going down vertically you get…**

_**12/21/12**_

__**Which is the day the world is supposedly suppose to end. Isn't that weird? My friend showed me that, and it was like…freaky. **

** Sorry, that was really random, but I just thought that was so weird. **

**Also, like I said before, I'm looking for a beta, and that'd be a big help. So if anyone wants to, has the time, and wouldn't mind. Send me a PM. **


	8. Chapter 8

** Hey guys, I'm soooo freakin super sorry for the huge wait. I went totally brain dead for a bit, then my first AP test came up and it was over world history, why's the world so dang old? Anyway, there's really no excuse to not updating sooner, so I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! :( **

** I'd also like to give a giant "YOUR AMAZING" to JellyBeane for betaing my story, and for having the patience to wait for me to send you something. :) **

**Moving on, just like to give a GIANT thanks to all those who reviewed, alerted and/or favorited the story. This includes…**

_blueicefireNINJA4_

_Ingenuity15_

_Hanski_

_TeamPaul15_

_xXxD3ADxXx_

_xoembryloveox- YAY! You can review again XD_

_JellyBeane_

_Pavinet_

_Smithgirl24_

_Saige Phoenix_

_emoelmo13_

**THANKS! To all you guys. :) *happy dance* **

Sticks and stones may scar my skin, but words slice my soul within** (I got this off of someone's profile, can't remember who'-sorry- so I don't know who originally said this quote) **

_Previously_

_(Just remember this is Embry's POV)_

_I was about to shift when a disgusting smell made me freeze. Tensed, I listened for any signs, before quickly moving to keep pace with Rowan, all the while keeping an eye out for the leech. I had to get it away from Rowan before it tried to hurt her. Key word tried. There was no way that the leech was getting anyway near Rowan. The rain made it hard to keep track of her, but crossing a fresher scent, I rounded to see her on the other side of the road, grinning. Noticing that she was so close to Rowan, who was unaware of the danger she was in, made a growl rise up in me. _

_She smiled even bigger, and darted out til she was mere inches from Rowan._

Rowan's POV

I stiffened when a gust of air whispered in my ear, and spun around only to find nothing, except rain. Gripping my bag tighter, my eyes darted around, but the storm and the fact it was pitch black made it impossible to see. Pulling my hat lower, I started walking again. It was cold, the rain making it even worse, but I didn't notice it. I hadn't felt anything since I'd cut.

Yep, I'd cut. I'd tried so hard, and had gone so long, only to slip up after hearing his voice. I'd run away, that had taken a lot more guts, had made the urge a lot worse, and I hadn't cut. But when I heard his voice, all will power went right out the back freakin window. The failure made the urge stronger; it was a deadly cycle.

So now I was walking in the rain, in the middle of the night, on a dirt road with no way out of the small town. Maybe I should have thought this through a little more?

I shook my head. No, I had to leave. It doesn't matter if I have to walk all the way to Seattle. I have to disappear by morning. Involuntarily a shiver ran up my spine as a couple drops slid down my back, pausing for a second when a low rumble shook the air.

Another flash of lightning lit up the sky making it bright as day for a second, before throwing the world back into darkness. Just for a second, I thought I caught of glimpse of red out of the corner of my eye. Casually, as casually as a person in my…predicament could anyway, I turned around, waiting for the next lightning flash.

Nothing.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and I spun around. Just to see a flash of red, dart away in a blur as a dark mass chased after it. A howl rose up from the trees. _I didn't know there were wolves around here._ *insert emotionless shrug again*

Moving off the road, I debated whether to stay put or keep walking. _Uh…If I stay here 1) I could possibly find out whatever the red thingy was, and what the mass was, 2) I could possibly get attacked/eaten by said red and/or black mass, 3) I lose precious 'get as far away as possible' time. If I keep walking, all those things won't happen, so- wait hadn't I just said I had to leave…?_ As strange as it sounds the weird, ADD internal debate eased the giant rock that was crushing me.

"Rowan?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the question. Furiously, my brain tried to match the voice with a face, but the numbness that had taken over prevented any answer from coming up. Someone grabbed my shoulder, and for once I couldn't care less. Unless it was my dad, and something told me it wasn't, I just couldn't care. I know I should, someone following me in the middle of the night while it's raining cats and dogs, but I just couldn't.

Turning around, I found myself face to face with a two giant, hulking figures; not my dad. The hand fell away, as my gaze shifted to the ground, waiting for the expected punch. When it didn't come, well, like I said before, I didn't care. Nothing meant anything anymore; the only thing that mattered was getting away.

Lightning lit up the night sky, making it clear as day for a few seconds; Sam and Jared stared at me with confusion before everything went black again.

It felt like I was being ripped in half; that I was going to explode from too many thoughts, emotions, even feeling like I was going to explode made it worse. I couldn't care, the numbness having blocked out everything out, except the urge. That was raging like wild fire, hungry having already been fed once, it wanted more. I couldn't care because they weren't dad, yet they're strong enough to keep me here until he did get here. So I should be worried, yet like I've been sayin', I just freakin' couldn't care. And that just made it freakin' worse!

A silent scream rose up in my throat, forever trapped there. I needed to cut now! But I couldn't, Sam and Jared were here. Also I needed to stop, it'd only make things worse, or worse that they already were.

The pressure came back, making it hard to breath, making it harder to resist the urge. Stumbling back a bit, I clutched at my bag.

"Rowan? Are you okay?" Another voice laced with concern asked behind me, sending a shiver up my spine. In the self-induced fog, I tried to recognize the voice. Straining-_don't hurt yourself idiot-_the face appeared.

Embry.

Looking over my shoulder, I waited for another lightning flash. Yep, it was him. His face was set in concern, anxiously searching for something, though I couldn't figure out what. I only had a few seconds to see him.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Staring at him, the words registered, but I couldn't respond.

"Come on; let's get back to Emily's." I felt his eyes on me, waiting for me to start heading back I guess. Have you ever jumped or fallen in the ocean or something and you can't figure out which way is up or down? That's what it felt like, I knew I needed to say no, to get away, but the fog that had me surrounded was making everything hard, even something as simple as shaking my head. Only thing was I may have been dead as all get out, but there was one thing I knew. That wasn't something that was gonna happen.

Shaking my head slowly, "No," I whispered.

"It's okay," Sam, whose voice I recognized now, obviously, told.

I shook my head again, trying to clear the haze, as well as ignore the urge as it rose up. I could feel my fingers twitch, wanting, needing the release. The fresh cut burned, mocking me, yet at the same time, whispering, egging me on to cut again.

I was grateful for the darkness as my lips moved into a silent plea for the pressure to stop, for everything to just stop. My stomach twisted as the urge got worse, if that was even possible. I'd already been broken though; it was harder to resist. Flashing back to that temporarily relief only made it worse.

_I-I don't need _

_ Yes you do,_ it whispered. _You know you do, it's the only way to live. Come on, just a little one, it won't hurt._

Someone's hand gently resting on my shoulder dragged me back to Earth. Jerking away from them; everything came crashing down again.

Emily had called Dad, and he was on his way. I'd cut. I'm alone in the middle of nowhere with no way out. It was storming like no tomorrow, and it was dark as hell. Three guys were with me, three _very_ big guys with _very _big muscles. I had no way out of either problem. I can't stop Dad from coming. I can't go back and stop myself from cutting. I can't grow wings and fly away. I can't-

_That's right. You can't do anything bitch, your nothing but a worthless piece of trash. You can't ever do anything right; your good for nothing. Why don't you just slice your wrists open? Why don't you just die? The world would be better without you; Emily would be better without you. She wouldn't have her broken excuse as a cousin ruining her life by just barging in. Just go die you little shit!_

Blow after blow rained down, never ending, never letting up; slowly slicing away. Mumbles slurred together pushed against the wall of abuse, but it couldn't stop the words as they continued to fall. Feeling yourself shatter is something no one should have to experience, trust me it's not recommended. Everything was being broken, shredded til there was nothing left. The rock was slowly crushing me into nothing.

_Cause that's all you are!_

Thunder boomed overhead, shaking the earth to its core, but after that it was silent. It seemed every drop of rain that smashed into the ground could be heard, that's all I heard anyway, pitter-pattering on the ground. Just like blood.

The need to get away, both mentally and physically was growing; soon it would swallow me up like a black hole. I willed the numbness to come back, for it had disappeared when Sam had shown up, but it only danced on the edge, taunting me. Silently, I begged for it, it was my replacement when I couldn't cut. It kept me going, it kept me alive.

"Rowan? What's wrong?"

Drugged like, I stumbled back only to have his hand gently wrap around my arm, right where I'd cut, to…catch me? It didn't matter; I jerked my arm out of his grip.

Turning, I ran into the woods, only it was like in a dream, as cliché as that is. I knew that I was running, I realized that I was getting away, just like I hoped, but I didn't feel the twigs grab at me, the wet leaves make me slip and slide, the tug in my stomach pulling me back.

Oh but I felt one thing alright. The monster lurking in the shadows, having become my shadow, was always right behind me. I could feel its presence, hear its voice whispering in my ear as it laughed and tormented me, and feel it scratch at me, egging me on.

My twisted, demented, psychotic side snickered, as something grabbed my ankle, sending me to the ground with a thud.

I don't remember much, just that I laid there for a while, but remember that tiny little voice/kid from before, when I was debating on whether or not to tell Emily about the abuse? Yeah now it was trying to shout above the memories, the pain, and it was shouting the dumbest thing. It was telling me to crawl under a tree, to get out of the rain. And for some unknown reason, I listened to it. Shakily, I stumbled to my feet before shuffling over to drop by a tree.

Nothing could have moved me from that spot, as again, everything came crashing down, but this time was worse than before, even some of the abuse from before running away came back. It was all too much; I just wanted to leave, even if it meant not coming back.

Through the, whatever you wanna call it, the flashbacks, the mental break down, the official sign that I've gone completely mental, I felt something's presence-not the urge-but an actual something. Not caring, I just laid there, wanting to…I don't even know, but through the dead feeling Since my ear was pressed against the ground I could it hear it move towards where I was; it was too heavy to big a human. Maybe it was a monster that lived in these mountains? Maybe it'd kill me? Maybe it's that thing from before, the thing that chased after the red hair thing.

_God please let it kill me, please is that too much to ask? That's it._

It moved closer, stopped then came closer.

_Please. _

Hearing it settle down, not a foot from me, made it worse.

_Why?_

The rain, the one thing that had once been so peaceful, now just seemed like drops of blood that constantly ran down me, forever stained onto my skin.

_Just like the scars,_ was the last thought I remember before exhaustion kidnapped me.

**So? What'd y'all think? Don't care if it's good or bad, just drop me a review. Please? I know I don't deserve it after making you wait so long :( But please?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey, sorry it took me so long to update. :( Please don't kill me. I'm on summer break now though, so updates should be faster. :) Another thing I realized when I reread the last chapter is Embry seemed kinda stalkerish/creeperish at the end. I really didn't exactly mean it like that, it was more 'I'm gonna sleep here and make sure nothing bad happens to her' instead of 'I'm gonna watch her sleep like a creeper' (No offense to Edward ;)p hehehehe. though that was slightly creepy) Anyway….**

** Oh just wanna say thanks to all those who reviewed, alerted, favorited. :) **

_ Forbiddenluv_

_ Xoembryloveox_

_ Alicecullenisrealinmyworld_

_ LiVeUrLiFe011_

_ Truth-Between-the-Lies_

_ blueicefireNINJA4_

_JellyBeane-awesome beta :)_

_TeamComrade11_

**Thanks guys for taken the time to read my story, along with all the other people :) **

_**Previously**_

_The rain, the one thing that had once been so peaceful, now just seemed like drops of blood that constantly ran down me, forever stained onto my skin. _

_ Just like the scars, was the last thought I remember before exhaustion kidnapped me._

_ "Mommy?" I asked, though it hurt._

_Why did everything hurt?_

_It was really bright; it hurt my eyes. I closed my eyes against them, but when I went to open them it was really hard. _

"_Mommy?" I tried to ask, but it hurt my throat. Mommy didn't move. Maybe she was asleep? How can she sleep? I tried reaching for her, but the belt things stopped me. . _

"_Mommy!" I shouted, my eyes starting to sting. What were they? Mommy called them… tears? Tears started to fall down my face. I cried as I called out to Mommy but she still didn't say anything back. It made my head hurt more._

_A strange man came near the window. I shrank away, strangers were bad. I tried to see him, but the light was really bright. _

_He smiled and reached for me. _

_I screamed and cried for Mommy, but she still didn't move. I was really tired too, and the man kept moving. I tried to stay awake but it was really hard. _

"_Leave me alone! Mommy!" I whispered, trying to stay awake. My head hurt, and I was really sleepy. His hand reached for me again, and I tried to get away but…I was so tired. _

"_Please," I whispered. _

"_It's okay sweetie, I'm a doctor. I'm here to help you," he smiled, but I kept crying. "Shhh, its okay sweetie I'm gonna get you out of here. Then everything will be okay, okay?"_

_ "I-I want M-Mommy," I cried. It got really loud, it got really bright and pretty colors came too. _

_ "I know. Now can you tell me where does it hurt?"_

_ It got louder, and my head hurt even more. _

_ "M-my head." _

_ Why did it hurt so much? _

_ The man reached in, but I tried to push him away. Strangers were bad. _

"_It's okay, I'm a doctor," he smiled again, and began to untie me from my chair. _

_ Mommy and Daddy say doctors are good people. They're nice people. _

_ As soon as I was free, I reached for Mommy, but the man grabbed me, and pulled me out. I could finally see him, but I was spinning. He carried me over to some more people, and laid me down on something. _

_ "NO! I want my Mommy! Let go!" I screamed and cried as they moved me towards more people, and more colors, and more noise. _

_ They tried shushing me, and telling me it would be okay, but I cried, trying to get back to my mommy. _

_ It was so loud, and there were so many people. _

_ It was so pretty._

_ My head hurt a lot. _

Startled, my eye's shot open. Frozen, all I could hear was the roaring in my ears, until my other senses adjusted to the real world. Glancing around, I meant to sit up, but faded away again.

_At first I thought I was actually awake, and me traveling to La Push had just been a dream, but then I realized I was sitting on the couch; I never sat on the couch. It was quiet; the stupid dream quiet that always happened in cliché dreams, the air seemed frozen Somehow I knew this was a dream; now how the heck do I wake up? Getting up I went into the kitchen, it was still the same, dirty dishes in the sink, a yellow-faded fridge, old beer cans and bottles littering the floor. Same ol-_

"_Bitch," he slurred, his fist crashing into my face. It stung a bit; he kicked me and shoved me against the wall. The beating continued, only this time was different, this time I actually felt something-Maybe I was back at the beginning?_

_The cold metal kissed my skin as I sliced away the pain, sliced away life-_

_I stared at the only person I talked to at school. "Huh?" I asked slowly. _

_Her mouth moved, but I couldn't hear what she was saying._

"_W-what?" I asked drunkly._

_She frowned and-_

A deep breath filled my lungs, cold and foresty. My racing mind tried to make sense of the images, but was failing. I was more tired than before. Slowly sitting up into an upright position, my joints and muscles protested at the movement.

Y_ou've slept on worse. _

Green, green, and more green greeted me. Sunlight barely pushed through the trees, small rays striking the ground every few feet creating light-golden puddles. Mist crawled along the ground; this pretty scene held nothing. It might as well as have been a bloody battlefield, that's what I'd become. A patch of grass was dry and crushed, like something had laid there. Going over to where the grass was smashed down, which I might add was probably not a foot from me, I noticed that it was huge.

"Really? And you couldn't have eaten me…why? Seriously, I was lying there all night, but no you were too lazy and was like I'm gonna let this one lucky person live," I muttered to the ground, and then realized that I was having a conversation with the Earth.

It's official, I've gone completely insane.

_You're surprised? Though this is a new one, talking to the ground._

Shrinking against the voice, I wrapped my arms around myself, jacket in a death grip, remembering last night.

_No, can't not again. _Fighting against the urge, I bit my lip, taking deep breaths.

_Move, come one walk. _But it was like my feet were glued to the ground, the monster trying to take over. Willing the numbness to come, I realized it'd disappeared since last night, it didn't dance on the edge, but that didn't matter now, as long as it came back. Like calling a well-loved pet, but only this pet was one that wasn't to be found today. Dread filled me; I never knew how much I depended on that until it was gone. I didn't want to cut, but it would eventually become an inevitable event if the raw pain wasn't numbed soon.

_In. Out. In. Out. _I chanted, closing my eyes. Gripping my bag, my eyes opened and my feet moved. Trying to follow the small path of broken twigs and crushed shrub things, that I'd made last night, or at least I hoped I made last night, I hoped I was heading back towards the road. Yes, probably not the best idea, but it's not like I can walk over a mountain and find a city. No, I'd just find more mountains and woods. Not to mention there's cougars and bears, don't feel like becoming something's lunch.

Focusing on each step, watching each placement, attempting to not trip over anything, helped the focus drift away from the urge, from the scream that was threatening to shatter me. It wasn't enough, The pressure grew worse with each step, squeezing me tighter and tighter. Like a broken angel crawling back to heaven, the scream climbed up my throat, only to find itself forever locked in hell. It pounded on the gate, desperately seeking freedom, freedom it would never get. The monster let the chains slacken a bit, just enough to taste liberty, only to slam the steel bars shut. It teased and taunted, telling me the price I would have to pay in order to silence the cry.

Fighting it was fighting gravity, you couldn't win. The sting of the newest cut laughed, sapping all "positive" thoughts. It knew I was close to cutting, just another push, and over the edge I would go.

I couldn't quit.

I needed to cut to live. The numbness was gone, disappeared into the salty breeze that blew in from the ocean. I didn't care if I got away or not, I didn't care if Dad found me. I didn't care if I cut again, I didn't care if I died or not. Life wasn't going to change, just 'cause I tried to make it.

_So go on, cut. It won't hurt anything. _

This world is screwed up, and nothing will ever change that.

_Cut, cut, cut _it chanted, laughing like a demonic child.

Zombie-like I kicked away the slimy leaves, revealing a small mine of rocks, sharp, with deadly edges rocks. I don't remember reaching down to grab one, or my hand wrapping around the smooth, but rough surface, feeling the grated edge against my fingers. I don't remember the voice urging me on, the monster that paced eagerly. I don't reme-

Someone's gaze made me freeze, and slowly I turned to see who. Oh wait why did I care again? Oh well.

Slight shock bubbled in my stomach at the sight. A huge dark grey wolf stood in the shadows, and when I saw huge I mean freakin huge. Like easily probably 5 times the normal size of a wolf, probably more. Fear didn't exist, neither did safety for myself. It stared at me, head slightly tilted. It whined, and took a step towards me.

"What?" I whispered, emotionlessly. The stupid little animated person from earlier was screaming why was I talking to a wolf when I should be running. The monster silenced him.

It took another step towards me, and a muffled thud echoed beside me. My right hand, closed around air. The pressure, that had retreated, returned, not being forced back by the…comforting effect of the rock.

Its penetrating gaze was locked on me, while mine was unfocusedly attached to the ground. Seconds ticked by; silence.

Sinking to the ground, my hand found the rock again, rubbing my fingers along its edges, soothing the angry beast. For some reason I didn't want to cut in front of the wolf, I can't explain why. Maybe it's because of years of hiding it? Maybe it's shame? Maybe both? No…there was something else, but I didn't know what and I couldn't explain it.

I glanced up, and the stone fell back to the earth. The pain was gone; I cared again. I didn't want to cut, I didn't need to. The rock was gone, the monster; silent.

I tried to tear my gaze away, but everything just felt to…good. I couldn't. Why would I give this up to go back to that? The urge. The pain. The frozen features.

My brain, fighting through the dispensing fog, had somehow actually done something.

This is how I feel when I look at Embry.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey…please don't kill me :( Sorry it took me forever to update, I really don't have an excuse, just please don't kill me. :\ But I would like to thank those you reviewed, alerted or favorited the story. So thanks to…**

_Alicecullenisrealinmyworld- your review made me laugh, adorable was not the word I would have picked XD_

_JellyBeane- also for bein an awesome beta and putting up with the delays :)_

_MadameGenji_

_.loveable.95_

_Pokadot Queen95_

_ToxicElixer_

_obsession-iz-a-good-thing_

_Previously_

_I glanced up, and the stone fell back to the earth. The pain was gone; I cared again. I didn't want to cut, I didn't need to. The rock was gone, the monster; silent. _

_ I tried to tear my gaze away, but everything just felt to…good. I couldn't. Why would I give this up to go back to that? The urge. The pain. The frozen features. _

_ My brain, fighting through the dispensing fog, had somehow actually done something. _

_ This is how I feel when I look at Embry. _

…What the…god…how…why…what?

Baffled, I continued to stare, feeling the haze ebb away; making it easier to figure things out. Its eyes…they looked so…human, so caring, and…familiar?

The wolf whined and took another step towards me, wagging its tail slightly. My eye's raked its face, getting uncomfortable with the whole staring idea.

Why did I feel like this? And why was this wolf causing me to feel this way?

It took a few more steps, tilting its head. For some weird reason, a tug pulled in my stomach, towards the _really_ oversized dog.

It sat down, its tail sweeping the grass.

_ Swish, swish. Swish, swish. _

Hypnotically, I sat down, the cold bite of air nipping my skin through the jacket, creating goose bumps. It was silent except for the occasional swish of tail along the ground; we stared at each other, neither moving. It was almost peaceful; there weren't the stereotypical birds chirping or anything like that. Though there was sunlight, which was unusual for La Push, but still it was peaceful none the less.

Shivering slightly, I hunched my shoulder, and the wolf, tentatively, came forward. It crept forward, until it was close enough that I could reach out and touch it. It gazed at me, its eyes were so familiar, so soulful, and for once in this life I didn't shift uncomfortably under its gaze. I realized any normal person would have been _long_ gone by now, of course any normal person wouldn't have slept in the woods at night in the first place, but hey, when was I considered a "normal" person.

Laying down, he put his head on his paws, at least I think it it's a dude, and stared at me; even laying down, if his head was up, and I was sitting down, he was still almost taller than me. Closer I could see the dark grey spots that speckled his back and sides, been placed randomly, like ebony snow. The mixed colors twisted into one another, melting into an authentic canvas.

It was weird, not five minutes ago; I was wondering why he hadn't killed me earlier, now he was here, and…I didn't want to die. Now I can feel, now I don't want to cut, I just wanted to sit here for forever. It was simple, easy, just sitting here. I don't know why I felt… 'safe' around this creature, it wasn't really a safe feeling, more like I didn't think he'd hurt me. I knew I would never be safe because of my dad and everything, but with this wolf, I don't know. It seemed so unnatural, because, you know, he's a wolf, but, well, I don't want to say something was telling me that he wouldn't hurt me because that's so cliché, but that's what it was.

With the fog gone, I was able to question why. Why was I so comfortable with this massive animal? Why did he remind me of Embry? Why did he make me feel like this? Why did I feel…alive?

"You're drivin' me insane, yah know that?" I whispered, plucking some grass and beginning to tear it into pieces.

He tilted his head, like he was confused, and asking what I meant.

_Like he can understand me,_ I thought dryly.

I should have been shocked when I didn't get some snide remark, but with everything else, it really wasn't that high on my 'what the heck is going on' priority list.

Gathering more grass that was slowly reduced to shreds, we returned to silence.

We just sat there for god knows how long, him never looking away and me, well, I just sat there, tearing grass, lost in thought. Only there was one problem, I didn't know where to start. Do I start with the whole I'm sitting by a really, _really_, big wolf, or go way back to the fact of my dad's on his way, or how about my whole plan of get as far away as fast as possible, or maybe the fact that I'm just freakin lost should take priority? By now a giant pile had formed and I was running out of grass, around me at least. Out of no-where a giant sneeze sounded through the forest, taking the mini grassy mountain and making it rain grass…all over me.

Slowly, just like some cheesy character in some cheesy movie, I turned to fake glare at the wolf whose tail began to beat a steady rhythm on the ground, while his tongue rolled out of the side of his mouth, making it look he was smiling.

"You think this is funny?" I asked through gritted teeth.

He wagged his tail even more, and barked softly.

Ripping handful after handful of grass, I tossed it on the silently chuckling wolf. "There, how do you like it?"

He sneezed again, grass covering his muzzle and part of his head.

"Ha. That's what you get." I smiled, proud of my handy-work.

He stood up for a bit, shook himself off, and then flopped back down onto his side, letting out a relaxed groan.

"Lazy," I muttered.

He barked; guess that means he laughed?

Falling back into our silence, I noticed I wasn't cold like earlier.

_Great, another thing to question._ I really felt like one of those people that just slams their head down into a desk because they feel like their brain is going to detonate.

Calm had taken residence, soothing old, angry, wounds, creating peace; something that was unknown. It was foreign, strange, yet welcome, especially in this crazy thing we try and pass off as 'life'. Why was his presence so consoling?

My mind strayed back to when I'd looked at Embry; he'd made me feel the same way. Why? Glancing at the wolf's eyes again, at how human they appeared. Why? Why had he made me feel like that in the first place? He's just some guy, yet he takes the pain away, just like the creature lying beside me.

An idea, out of god knows where, formed.

"There's no way, this ain't some movie," I whispered.

He raised his head, ears trained on me.

"You ain't gonna believe what I just thought," I chuckled humorlessly.

He cocked his head.

A small smirk grabbed my face, and a cough of breath was a laugh. "I thought…you were some dude I met at my cousin's place. The thing is I don't even know him, at all. I-I don't even know how to pronounce his name. But for some strange reason, I don't know where it came from; I thought you were him, only in furry ginormous wolf form. Then I realized, 'oh wait I'm not in a book. I'm in real life and people don't turn into giant fluffy critters'. The strange thing is, I don't know why he popped in my head, cause like I said, I can't even pronounce his name, so why would he be in my head," I paused, trying to remember how to pronounce his name, because now it was really bugging me, "His name was like…E-Embry? Somethin' like that."

**So whatcha think? Not a very good cliffy sorry, but still drop a review por favor :) I know I don't deserve it with the huge delay, but still…you know you want to *wink wink* XD**

**Also I haven't said this in a while and I'm not sure if you're supposed to put it in every chapter, but I don't own anything except Rowan, Stephanie Meyer owns everyone else and the place etc. **


	11. Sorry guys :

Sorry guys, not a chapter :( just wanted to say sorry for not having updated in forever, just had major writers block. :( I'll try and get another chapter up by next Wednesday; I'm just extremely busy with trying to finish homework that I've been putting off. I know I finished my other story, but that was sorta a finally got one class of homework done present to myself, but other than that really haven't been on the computer that much besides to do homework. So again, I'm so sorry for not updating in a while.


	12. Chapter 11

**Hey guys, sorry it took me longer to get this up then when I planned. :p Had some trouble, anyway it's all good now, but I would like to give a giant shout out to my two betas **_I'm Plotting Something Evil _**and **_JellyBeane. _**You guys are awesome :) Like to say thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited or alerted the story, this includes…**

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_Anonymous_

***Giant gasp!* Whew that's a lot, but it was for two chapters, well one chapter and a very sad A/N but still thanks guys :) Means a lot, oh and if forgot to message yah sayin thanks, sorry I couldn't get on in forever and then I got so many emails that I couldn't remember who I thanked, so I'm thankin those who didn't get a PM or whatever it's called lol. :)**

**And I actually looked at the hits and saw over 4,000 hits YAY! XD**

**So after an eternity and then some, here's the next chapter :)**

_Previously_

_I paused, trying to remember how to pronounce his name, because now it was really bugging me, "His name was like…E-Embry? Somethin' like that."_

_Embry's POV_

_… Um…uh… _

Of course no one would be in my head right now.

Should I phase? Or would that freak her out?

_No you idiot she'd be perfectly fine with that_.

I realized she was staring at me, almost waiting for an answer it seemed.

I tilted my head. The guys would never let me live this down, acting like some dog, but if meant hearing Rowan's voice I'd lay down, roll over, hell, I'd probably even play fetch.

I felt someone phase in, and the bitterness that followed told me exactly who.

_Good mutt._ Leah jabbed; I could see her smirking.

_Shut it Leah_. I turned my attention back to my imprint, who was staring into space, a thoughtful look on her perfect face. The guys were right; I was whipped, but I didn't care. They didn't understand imprinting; I'm sure once they imprint they'll be as whipped as the rest of us who've imprinted.

Rowan reached up to her head, then seemed to realize something and let her hand drop. "Don't suppose you know where my hat is?" she muttered.

Oh yeah she'd had a hat last night, she must have dropped it after running. That got me thinkin: why had she been so afraid last night? I'd almost been physically sick when I'd seen the slight flicker of fear in her dead eyes the other night, it'd felt like someone had stabbed me. I never wanted to see fear in her eyes again, especially towards me. I'd rather die than have her be afraid of me, that's why I couldn't tell her about me being the freak I am.

Someone else phased in.

_Embry where are you guys? _Sam's voice echoed in my head.

_Not that far from the road, maybe quarter of a mile or so._

_Okay, try and get her back to the road. Emily and I will come and get her, hopefully._

I felt him phase back, leaving me on my own again. Hopefully was right, Rowan wasn't exactly the most cooperative last night; I wondered what made her so afraid. Whatever it was would never do it again, I promised myself. After last night, I'd made it my life's mission, as cheesy as that sounds, to keep her safe, and to keep a smile on her face for the rest of her life.

With a grunt, I got to my feet, and Rowan glanced up at me, slight shock in her eyes.

Now, how do I get her to follow me?

_Rowan's POV_

A dull throbbing, an annoyance, pulsed on my arm, a clear reminder of the silent promise I'd made to myself, as well as to my friends and mom though they didn't exactly know about my…weakness.

I still couldn't understand why I'd cut, I'd been doing so well, I'd taken the biggest risk and had been fine. Okay maybe that was a flat out lie, I hadn't been fine, I haven't been fine for years, but still all it took was two words, one phone call to make me crumble.

I know your probably thinking I'm over-exaggerating, and complaining and going on about one simple slip up, saying that everyone slips up every now and then. But it's different, unless you've been a cutter you don't know what's it like. It's an addiction, just like abusing drugs or alcohol; once you slip up unless you have a reason, any reason to stop, and a support system to help you; it's very easy to slip back into the same habits unfortunately. I had no help, but that was my fault, I didn't want any help cause that would mean admitting that the cuts are real to someone else. Also I didn't want to talk to some shrink, who'd probably would be like "I understand" when in reality most of them don't. It's not like TV, most shrinks don't understand why, just like most people don't understand why, besides why would I want to spill my guts to some stranger when I couldn't even tell my best friend.

I was brought out of my thoughts by a shifting of the animal beside me, still surprised by how massive this creature was. Also still surprised that I was alive, and that it'd stayed here, and that this was reality, because this *dramatic gesture to the wolf, me and woods* ain't suppose to happen. I watched him walk away a bit, almost disappearing back into the shadows, but turn and glance at me. Fear blossomed in me; I didn't want him to leave. I...I needed him to stay. I don't know why, but he kept me grounded, he kept me…living.

He sat down, whining, and shakily, muscles protesting from having been still for so long, I got up and went over to him. He waited, tail wagging slightly, before getting up again and starting to walk away. He looked back where I was, a goofy grin on his face.

My mind danced around the unlikely theory, that with everything that'd happened, seemed quite plausible.

"Yah want me to follow yah?" I whispered. He barked softly, and almost seemed to nod his head.

_Really Rowan? You've read way too many books. This is the real freakin' world. _

Yes I know it's stupid, and yes you would think no one would do it, but yes I followed the wolf. All the while I was chanting '_stupid, stupid, stupid' _over and over in my head, but my feet kept putting themselves one in front of the other. Grumbling, I continued in what I thought was the right direction. Correction, what I _hoped_ was the right direction. And yes I was taking directions from an oversized canine.

"Hope yah know where yah goin'," I muttered, adjusted my bag, feeling the stiff brim of my hat poking me in the back. I don't know how, and I don't know why, I kinda stopped asking those questions a while back, but after we walked for a bit, the wolf had suddenly changed directions and had led me to this random spot where my hat was laying in some ferns.

The wolf stopped, looked back at me, then he was gone. Immediately the uncaring returned, the hopelessness. I longed to run after him, to get rid of the feeling; I didn't want it anymore.

"Hey?" I called.

In an instant he was back by my side, and I felt whole again. I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath till I let it out in a huff.

He whined, and ducked his head.

I readjusted my bag, and raked my bangs over my face, looking down.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him reach out and cautiously nudge me. God no, what was I in? A freaking movie or something? This stuff did not happen in real life. There were no monster truck size wolves, that didn't eat or attack you, and none "told you" to follow them, and you did that. No that doesn't happen; so why is this happening?

One second I was surrounded in an ocean of trees, and the next the sky was visible, or the most visible it could be with a bunch of clouds covering it. Tiny clumps of dirt became dust as I stepped farther into the dim sunlight. I know I'm surprised it's not raining too; usually this place is like monsoon season. It was quiet, only the occasional rustle of leaves, as a soft breeze tickled them. I don't know how he did it, but the wolf had lead me back to the road.

Standing on the roadside, branches swaying gently overhead, I felt extremely vulnerable, even with the wolfs presence. Shivering slightly, something felt off in the pit of my stomach, I itched to step further back into the shadows. Only a cold nose nudged me out or well gave me a cautious shove and I tripped over my two left feet, stumbling farther out. Straightening myself, I turned and glared at the wolf who had the same ol' "what did I do?" innocent look.

A rumbling, low and snarling, grew louder, closer. Panicked, I darted back into shadows; only to have the wolf nudge me back towards the road. He whined and nudged me again, though I'm pretty sure if he wanted he could have dragged me out into the road. I tried to dart back into the woods, but the wolf was so big that getting around him was like trying to get around a building, okay well a really big building.

_Calm down, your over-reacting it's just a car, that's all. _I took a couple deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart as well as my get a lid on my panic.

I don't get why I was freaking out over some car, it was just a car, maybe it was the knot in my stomach that'd now grown to the size of basketball and felt like a hunk of concrete that'd settled in for the long haul.

It was a little too late to question why I was freakin out when the car came around a bend and at first I thought it was just someone that lived around here, and I'd overreacted over nothing. As usual.

Until it screeched to a halt beside me, nearly running me over in the process. You would think that something like this wouldn't happen in real life especially in a quiet town, that it only happened in some crazy action movies, but the car was stopped, and the door was thrown open. It seemed to happen in slow and fast motion at the same time, it seemed like time had sped up, but I could see everything in perfect, clear detail, as if everything was in slow motion A guy, a huge guy I might add, jumped out of the back seat, grabbed my arms and literally threw me into the back.

I guess I was frozen in shock until I slammed into the other door. Tires actually squealed as we did a U-turn, but then my mind woke up and realized what was going on. The strong haze of cigarette smoke, the overpowering, stale smell of alcohol that was so thick I felt drunk just by breathing it.

I was being kidnapped by my dad.

**So…yeah what'd y'all think? I know it's not the best cliffy…**

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**Maybe cause this ain't the actual ending XD An extra long chapter since yah been waitin for forever and then some, plus always wanted to do this… :)**

Holy shit!

Was the one and only thought that ran through my head, yeah real helpful I know.

It wasn't like the choreographed kidnapping scenes in movies, the kidnapping was real, the adrenaline was real, the fear was real. Everything was real. Adrenaline replaced blood.

I wasn't going to go back. Period.

Just from a glimpse out the window I knew, and was slightly surprised to see that, we weren't really going fast, the roads being too damaged, and the turns too sharp to do 80.

Get out.

I lunged for the door handle that wasn't blocked by the dude who'd grabbed me. Only to have his hand wrap itself in my hair and yank my head back. Being in the back of small car meant little room to fight back, but I gave it my all. Kicking, punching, biting, I was doing everything and anything I could to try and hit any part of him, extremely praying that I would hit somewhere important. No such luck. Though I had a sinking feeling it wouldn't help my dilemma at all, this guy was huge, not as big as Sam and all them, but compared to me, huge. It seemed like forever though I knew we were still in La Push possibly even in Forks, though I could swear it was La Push by how bumpy the ride was. Could I really still only be in La Push?

The side of my face slammed into the seat, I don't know how because last time I checked seats weren't made of wood or something, but it hurt. That's another thing is ever since I'd gotten here I'd been able to feel things more, despite the cutting part, but like running into things, but who cares about that now, little preoccupied. Pulling back my fist I slammed it into his face as hard as I could, and his grip slackened a bit. Scrambling for the door, my hand actually got to its target, nearly ripping the handle off the door.

My project of trying to get away was momentarily stopped as we were both thrown forward because Daddy dearest used his lead foot on the brakes. I slammed into part of the driver's seat as well as the console, while Mr. MMA over there slammed into the passenger seat along with me.

Cussing grew in the car like a weed, Mr. MMA was cussing about my dad being a stupid driver, not getting paid enough, etc., and I was cussing because I was getting kidnapped by my dad who'd I thought would just forget he even had a kid, and Mr. Driver was cussing about…a "damn giant fucking bear"

….A bear?

Over the engine I could hear something else, almost like thunder, maybe now it was going to rain.

From my position there was no way I could reach the door handle, I was squished between the back seat and driver's seat, back on the floorboard. I tried to scramble up, trying to take advantage to get out and away, but Mr. Kidnapper locked the door, while simultaneously putting his foot in my face, well-

Screeching, almost like a power saw, filled the air, followed by the crunching and tearing of metal and the next thing I knew was the driver side door was gone. I twisted my head to see something reach in and literally rip my Dad from the seat

What the fuck?

I'm dreaming, I'm hallucinating, I hit my head. Yeah this is all just a _bad_ nightmare.

The howls that sounded literally right on the other side of what now seemed only a thin sheet of metal and plastic told me that this wasn't a nightmare.

I shoved the foot off my face, and he just willingly went along with it, hypnotized by the sound of something…thick being torn and a scream that was cut off mid-way. That froze me. I didn't move as silence moved in. The only sound being the engine puttering, straining to run, as well as the annoying beeping sound signaling the door was open; well the door was actually gone. My heart was in my ears and for some reason I cautiously, and somehow turns onto my stomach, before slithering onto the seat, back in the little crevice where the door meets the seat, one foot on the floorboard one on the seat. If only I'd stayed down there.

It was. Way. Too. Quiet.

Should I stay in the car? No. Should I get out of the car? No. Do I _need_ to get out of the car? Possibly. Do I need to stay in the car? Probably. Do I want to get out of the car? …I don't know, maybe, not sure yet. Do I want to stay in the car? No.

Oh my god what do I do?

There's a giant monster, yes I'm calling it a monster because dude it ripped _the door_ off _the car_ like it was air then it literally ripped my dad _from _the seat, outside the car, and I don't know what's going on in the car. God I feel like I'm in Jaws or some weird horror movie. Okay so how did I go from having a semi normal day feeling like livings a good thing to getting kidnapped by my dad and some random dude to fighting with myself about whether to stay in the vehicle with said dude or go outside and possibly get killed?

The crunching sound came again only on the other side of the car, on the back passenger side door, would you kill me if I said that I was kinda relived? A strong tug in my stomach pulled me towards the crunching sound, but fear fought against it, but between the two I was frozen where I was. I saw Mr. MMA reach for something behind his back while crawling basically on top of me, assuming to try and get out on the other side. Only the door was ripped off again, just as his hand came around and I could make out that he was holding something in his hand. Only did I know what it was when, I watched wide eyed and pushing myself farther back against the door, as he was jerked back with a solid thud that echoed thickly and shook the car, before roughly being dragged out.

It's not like in the movies where they say you don't feel a thing or where the person just kinda looks down, looks back at the person, then falls over.

No, it's completely different.

My eardrums must have burst, the gunshots were so loud. I barely even heard the last two, at least I think there were two more, because my ears were ringing so badly. Sharp pains exploded in my stomach, one second it wasn't there and the next it was. Gasping, I could feel my shirt stick to me more and more as it became soaked with blood. My blood.

Most people would say they'd never give much thought about dying; well I'd never given much thought about living. Until this morning, this morning I'd actually wanted to live, I didn't mind the heavy burden of taking a breath and letting it out. But as soon as that door slammed shut, living became an unnecessary event. Now it seemed I would finally get my wish, I was going to die.

The back door was still open from where Mr. MMA was ripped out of the car, and I could see out. A flash of dark grey near the door mixed in with my disappearing vision. I was so tired, it seemed like it took everything I had just to shudder in a breath and then let it out.

It was so hard, and everything hurt. I couldn't see anymore, I didn't know if I'd closed my eyes or if seeing just took too much energy anymore. I could hear a little, just enough to hear something different then the ringing.

I struggled to open my eyes; I wanted to see what was making the strange noise for some reason. Prying them open, I saw someone leaning over me, I couldn't see who, but I was too exhausted to even try. I wanted to know what they were saying though; why I wanted to hear, I don't know. But I couldn't tell what they were saying when my eyes closed again

I let go.

**Sorry for the really bad "fight/shooting/ whatever you wanna call it scene," I'm not the best with the action scenes. :p. So you guys are gonna review right? Por favor?**


	13. Chapter 12

**Hey sorry it's taken me so long to update, time flies and the days blur. :/ Anyway like to thank those who reviewed, alerted and/or favorited. This includes…**

_Moonwafflestoeat- you name makes me want waffles O,O desperately!_

_ Alana Black Potter_

_ Imadinorawr_

_ Aiyami Sakura_

_ Wouldyoufancymystory_

_ I'm Plotting Something Evil-_who is also an awesome beta, contrary to someone's belief XD

_ lime514_

_ molly120- hahaha it's nothin , and no I didn't it sucked butt :P_

_ Fire-alchemist1_

_ christy86_

_ tinkertot95-hahaa well I'm glad you do 'cause I certainly don't XD. And I still never got tater tots! :( will you bring me some?_

_ VaMpIrEoBsEsSed280- your review literally made me laugh out loud XD I loved it. _

_ Pedro-IS-Madi12_

And also another thanks to my other awesome "illegal" beta Jelly Beane ;) lol.

_Previously_

_I struggled to open my eyes; I wanted to see what was making the strange noise for some reason. Prying them open, I saw someone leaning over me, I couldn't see who, but I was too exhausted to even try. I wanted to know what they were saying though; why I wanted to hear, I don't know. But I couldn't tell what they were saying when my eyes closed again_

_ I let go._

I wish I could tell you what death was like, so you'd know what to expect instead of waiting in suspense for your imminent demise. Only I don't really remember what it was like; it's difficult to explain. I remember darkness, but I was so exhausted or confused or just out of it that it was hard to connect the dots. It seemed that the simplest task of deciding whether I was dead or not had become the most complicated problem in the universe. There wasn't any bright light or dead family members or close friends that came to talk to me, at least none that I can remember.

The last clearest memory I can recall, and by clearest I mean very extremely foggy that had more holes that swiss cheese, consisted of green trees, smoke, and a fight, I think, a chainsaw noise then BANG then…it gets even worse.

Like I said I don't remember much.

Which makes me wonder if I'm dead, how could I be wondering about what I can and can't remember? How am I even questioning everything right now if I'm supposed to be dead? Am I dead? I feel dead, but if I've never been dead how can I determine if I'm dead or not? Since I'm questioning this, shouldn't that mean that my brain is still thinking? That I'm still alive?

"When's she-"

That's the first thing I heard, at first I'd thought I'd imagined it, still believing that I was dead. The words were so slurred and soft; so far away that I thought maybe it was just in my head, my nonexistent brain.

It was silent again; those two words being the only disturbance in my time spent pondering my current state.

I guess I lost consciousness, by now I just assumed that whatever God is in this world had stuck me in the back of the line to be judged, so I was stuck somewhere between this world and the next, because more mumbling roused me.

"…didn't…tell…" It took too much effort, much more than I had, to focus on trying to catch the words in between or even figure out who was talking or what they were talking about. I was too exhausted.

This little routine went on for God knows how long-still waiting in line by the way- just a few words here and there, the concept of time didn't exist wherever I was, neither did understanding, or pretty much anything. I wanted to ask the person what they were talking about, or even if I was dead or not, but if it took all I had just too mentally question something, then physically asking something was out of the question. I clung to the small phrases taking them as a fact that I was still living, but I remember not wanting to live, a long time ago? Or maybe recently? Almost desperately, I tried to remember if I wanted to live or die. That's kind of a big decision you know.

During my pondering, another phrase wormed its way through the thick, haze that made everything difficult.

"Please…wake up….wake….Rowan…"

Who's Rowan? Is that me? Oh yeah it was.

So who was saying my name?

I couldn't tell who, I really couldn't even tell if it was a guy or a girl, just another anonymous voice in the distant background. No, this voice was closer, clearer.

I guess I slipped away again because another voice woke me, this time even closer.

"What's going…happen Carlisle? Can't put…nut house!"

Can't put who in a nut house? Who's Carlisle?

I can't remember if I've mentioned it, but I'd decided long ago that I was alive, and the dull, slight pain in my stomach confirmed it.

Why did my stomach hurt? Wait does this mean I can wake up?

Let me tell you, it's not like movies, at all.

Immediately, I was choking, and I tried to reach my hands up to scratch out whatever it was, but was too weak to. Dimly I could hear a frantic beeping, and someone shouting, but I was trying to breath, even though it already felt like there was air in my lungs. Coughing my guts up wasn't doing jack. Something cold brushed my face, and then I felt whatever was choking me being pulled out of my throat. In the distance I heard someone gasp and realization dawned it was me, when cool air, tainted with that disinfectant smell rushed into me. Wait a second…disinfectant?

Opening my eyes, I quickly shut them, when it felt like I was staring straight at the sun. Rays of colors appeared in my vision; voices were arguing. Once the out of place rainbow had passed, I cautiously opened my eyes again, blinking against the harsh, blinding light. Maybe I was finally being judged? Maybe I was actually dead?

"Rowan?"

Oops. Guess not.

A hand, soft, but calloused at the same time, gently squeezed my hand; I wanted whoever it was to let go, but my arm was dead weight, and wasn't responding. White, white and more white was all I saw, of course I was only looking at a ceiling. That gagging disinfectant smell surrounded me, becoming a thick fog. Something soft, but also tight encased my wrists. The beeping became more pronounced, filling the silence; I was in a hospital.

A face appeared in my vision, black hair gently falling to cover tan skin, marred by three deep scars.

Emily.

She moved out of sight, and my eyes followed her to see her parked in a chair by the bed. A pain, now sharp, and twisting, radiated out from my stomach/chest area, god why does it hurt?

A small smile graced her face, "Hey."

I tried to give some response but for some reason couldn't or wouldn't maybe.

"How are you feelin'?"

"Like shit." I didn't realize I'd said that until Emily chuckled; I thought I'd just thought it. Was that even me? I sounded so scratchy, had I been eating sand or something?

"I think that's to be expected. Do you remember what happened?"

"Umm…a little I think. D-dad, he-he came back… You! You called him!" I snarled, remembering that.

Her face fell in confusion and hurt, but I didn't care. I tried to push myself up, but whatever was wrapped around my hands was attached to something else. I looked down, startled, but also in fear.

Restraints, padded, for my own safety (mental growl) encircled my wrists, and were attached to the cold, metal bed frame. Someone had put a stupid hospital gown on me, leaving my arms from the elbow down bare for everyone to see. Staring up at me, plain as black splatter on a white canvas, were the scars. I yanked against the restraints, trying to rip the extra strong Velcro. Fear, shame, anger, exhaustion, just every emotion in that family was swirling around in me. I was in a hospital; they'd seen the scars, they knew, everyone knew.

"What the hell?"

Desperately, I tried to cover my arms, all while trying to free my hands. I just wanted to disappear, to get away.

"Rowan, relax, calm down." Emily gently grabbed my arm, but I yanked out of her grasp. The door opened and I heard people saying my name, trying to get me to calm down, before out of no-where I relaxed, almost asleep. I fell back onto the bed, my heart in my ears, humiliation swarming around me.

Everyone knew; they were so visible. I don't think I've ever wanted to disappear so badly in my entire life. Right now, being dead didn't sound so bad.

"Rowan?"

I ignored her, staring at the opposite wall, pretending to be asleep. The monster laughed at me, but was also angered at being discovered, knowing they'd send him away. In response it scratched at me, stronger than ever, trying to get any last feeding. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for the restraints, I would have cut; my will power sapped to nothing.

The stupid beeping was back to normal; on the other side of the door I could hear people shuffling by, the slight click of their shoes. All I wanted to do right now was vanish, simply become a ghost, drift away from here, well more like run I guess you could say. Right now more than ever I wanted to run, just run, forget everything, leave this place behind. An itch spread throughout my legs, an irritation that grew stronger with each passing minute, I wanted, needed to run. To where? Anywhere but here. For how long? Til I drop. Just let my legs take me far away, away from this world. I could picture myself: running for forever, well maybe not that long, but a pretty dang long time. Of course I knew that I couldn't run that far or that long, but just the thought seemed perfect. It'd be just me, and only me. Deep breath in and out. Steadily covering ground, not looking back or ahead. Only in the here and now, dodging roots and other earth traps.

It was like a big slap in the face. Anger bloomed in the pit of my stomach; in tangent with realization. I didn't need to run; I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I've been saying this whole time I hated to run, rather stand and take it, but that's what I'd been doing my whole life. Running from the truth. Running here when I should have stood up for myself. Abandoning my friend when she had it worse than me. Assuming something when I didn't know anything, and taking it out Emily, who'd taken me in, and kept my secret, had given a crap about me. What had I done in return, lash out at her, probably scare her when I ran away, done everything I shouldn't have.

Turning to look at her, I hesitantly met her eyes, before dropping my gaze.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, staring at the cord running into my pale hand.

She seemed to know what I meant, because she just gave my hand another gentle reassuring squeeze, and I tried not to show my shiver.

I gave her a small, grateful smile.

The door creaked opened, and Sam cautiously stuck his head in; he seemed anxious his eyes locking on Emily. Asking me with her eyes, I nodded.

"It's okay Sam, you can come in."

I don't think I've ever seen someone move that fast in my life, in a split second he was by Emily, pulling her up, and glancing her up and down.

"I heard yelling," he whispered.

"It's nothing, just a…misunderstanding," she told, softly, a lighthearted grin towards me.

I looked away embarrassed, my face definitely standing out against the white sheets. "Sure, let's go with that," I mumbled jokingly, but at the same time, ignoring the voice that was screaming "fuckin' piece of shit" over and over. Fighting the urge, I glanced self-consciously at the sheets, feeling the larger man's momentary gaze on me.

It got really quiet before a nurse came in,

"I'm sorry but visiting hours are over; I know she just woke up…" the nurse trailed off helplessly shrugging, before disappearing back out the door. I was attempting to find out the time, all the window told me was that it was dark out, when there was scuffing on the other side of the door, and someone's voice began to rise.

"I'll see you in a bit," Sam kissed Emily again, but it wasn't quick, it was similar to scenes in movies where the character believes they're never going to see their loved one again. That's something I'd noticed between them, the love they had for each was almost unreal, not in the whole they didn't love each other nature, just that I'd never seen anyone love each other that much. Of course I'd never took notice of love or relationships in a long time, probably right after the "accident"

I cringed at the memory the false word brought up; it was no "accident."

He glanced at me once more, smiled a bit then was gone. As soon as the door shut, whoever was causing a disturbance was silenced. Smiling, almost sadly at the door, my cousin turned back to me.

"Is there anything I can bring you?"

Umm…how bout a redo button? So I can restart my behavior, my actions everything since I'd arrived on your doorstep?

"Umm…" I really hated asking after all the trouble I caused her, and it was _extremely _selfish. I guess she noticed the hesitation and guessed why; I never really understood how perceptive Emily was until now.

"Listen, I don't care about the past, whatever you need, I'll take care of it. Quit putting yourself before others," she stated sternly.

I shook my head, "I don't know what you've been smoking but that's lie," I muttered.

She snorted, rather ungracefully. "What?"

"Umm…a pair of shorts and some gum? It feels like I've been sleepin for forever, plus eatin' sand," I mumbled.

She chuckled, "See you tomorrow. Good night."

"Night."

I was focused on the tv, well attempting to focus, I've always had a short attention span, when the door opened.

"Good morning Rowan. How are you feeling today?" a musical voice asked.

"_Shhh, its okay sweetie I'm gonna get you out of here. Then everything will be okay, okay?"_

Jolted back to reality, I watched as a doctor, presumably mine, though he didn't look old enough to be one at all, came over, no correction, glided over to the bed. He smiled, appearing nice, and glanced up at one of the multitude of screens/machines surrounding me; did I really need all these? Similar to everyone else in Forks, or what I'd seen of it, he was pale, but this was taken to an extreme, he looked ghostly pale, but at the same time, like he'd just walked out off a movie set or some modeling agency or something like that. But it wasn't his…unnatural…attractiveness that stunned me into silence. His eyes were gold or maybe some color in that family, it wasn't human.

"_NO! Mommy!" I screamed, trying to get out of the strangers hands. More hands reached for me, bad people, strangers. _

_Something cold wrapped around my hand, and the first stranger leaned over me, a bright light showed up. I stopped for a second; he had funny color eyes. Then he was gone._


	14. Chapter 13

** Hey guy's sorry it's taken me forever to get this loaded, extra long chapter for you patience, over 4,000 words. :) Just wanna thanks those to review, alerted, and favorited, this includes…**

_Indigo Violet Sapphire_

_ lalagirly13_

_ blondiesweetheart_

_ tinkertot95-dude if you could ship those too me that'd be freakin awesome! XD lol_

_ JellyBeane- who is my forever awesome illegal beta! :)_

**Thanks guys. XD **

_Previously_

Jolted back to reality, I watched as a doctor, presumably mine, though he didn't look old enough to be one at all, came over, no correction, glided over to the bed. He smiled, appearing nice, and glanced up at one of the multitude of screens/machines surrounding me; did I really need all these? Similar to everyone else in Forks, or what I'd seen of it, he was pale, but this was taken to an extreme, he looked ghostly pale, but at the same time, like he'd just walked out off a movie set or some modeling agency or something like that. But it wasn't his…unnatural…attractiveness that stunned me into silence. His eyes were gold or maybe some color in that family, it wasn't human.

"_NO! Mommy!" I screamed, trying to get out of the strangers hands. More hands reached for me, bad people, strangers. _

_Something cold wrapped around my hand, and the first stranger leaned over me, a bright light showed up. I stopped for a second; he had funny color eyes. Then he was gone. _

Tears gently slid down the window, desperately grabbing at the glass trying to stop from sliding off into oblivion, where they would join the rest that hadn't been as lucky enough to get thrown against the glass by the fierce wind. But there was nothing they could do to stop the inevitable, some crashed into one another, sending them both tumbling to the dark green monster below. If you listened closely you could hear their cries as they frantically tried to stay away from the hell that lurked below.

It'd been three days since I'd been released and since then I've been trying to figure out the puzzle my doctor has created.

_I stared at him, not even trying to hide it._

_ "How are you feeling? Any pain?" he asked causally. _

_ I tried to find my voice, and managed to spit out "Okay, I guess."_

_ He chuckled, "You guess." _

_I finally managed to stop staring at him and take notice of the fear that was growing in the pit of my stomach, only it wasn't the usual fear, it was something else, something more primal, telling me this guy was dangerous. _

_ I nodded dumbly, before someone else took control of my mouth "Have we met before?"_

_ He stared at me for a second, thoughtfully, then shook his head. "I don't think so."_

_ "Oh. Okay." _

_ He checked over everything else, asking the usual doctor questions, all the while I kept wondering how. After he left, all I could think about was how is it possible? His eyes…they were so similar, no exactly like the eyes of that man from so long ago. Seriously how many people have gold eyes? _

Listening to the steady, gentle drum of the rain eased the monster, but did nothing to help solve the mystery. Not counting the first night back where I'd slept like a log, I'd been kept up by memories, creating even more confusion and frustration. Every possibility that I, and yahoo answers had come up with had been scratched off the forever growing "how" list. There was no way that the doctor now was the same doctor back then, he would have just been barely getting out of high school or going into college. Yet those two people were the only ones I'd ever met or seen to have golden eyes, and for that matter anyway last time I checked golden eyes weren't even possible. It seemed I had most of the pieces, but couldn't figure out how to put them together to see what I'm missing.

A soft knocking brought me back and I turned to see Embry standing uncertainly in the doorway. Since I'd gotten back Emily and Sam were still nervous about me since they found out about the whole cutting thing; part of the agreement was my door has to remain open. Just like always the urge retreated, disappearing like it never existed. Just another piece of the puzzle that had an unknown place in the crazy life.

_I'd been on suicide watch for the past 3 days, the standard time, restrained and left to ponder many theories and thoughts. They'd left the TV, but it couldn't hold my attention, it just settled for being the normal, constant background noise. Each time I thought I could restart on a theory, a different one emerged, even more thought-provoking and creating even more questions. This is what my days consisted of, wake up, eat the hospital "food", think, get the occasional visit from the mystery doctor, think again, Emily and maybe someone else drops by for a while, then "dinner", and finally thinking again until I finally drift off to sleep. _

_I knew I'd be getting a visit from some Dr. Shrink soon; I was past the mandatory suicide watch time limit, so the only thing stopping me from getting out of this place was an all clear from Mr. Nut job__Only when he came, he-she wasn't what I was expecting. It looked like Betty White had flown out here and decided to visit room 218. She didn't wear a white coat, just jeans and a sweater, the only thing marking her as a doctor was a clipboard and a clipped on badge. _

"_Hello, you must be Rowan Carter?" she asked. _

_ Still slightly confused, I nodded. _

_ "Well how are you doing dear? Oh what a stupid question, you've been locked up in this borin' old place for the past few days. Think I'd rather sit in a lecture about how grass grows then be stuck in here. Alright well let's get this over with, so we can get you out of here." The Betty White impersonator had shuffled over, quite quickly, and sat in the chair next to me. _

_ "So…let's see," she put on a pair of glasses that had been hanging on a chair around her neck. "It seems Dr. Cullen thinks you're self-harming and statistically with your past that is "supposedly" almost "expected." She glanced up, assessing me. _

_ I refused to speak or respond in anyway though, knowing that they can take a twitch of a finger and conclude some big long explanation and expression from that small movement. _

_ "Well…who cares about statistics, they don't really mean anything, just a bunch of bored people playing with numbers. All I'm here for is too…well I'm pretty sure you know why I'm here, so you wanna start with the basic questions? And please don't lie, it would just make everything more difficult not only for you but also for me, and at my age any stress I can avoid I do. This old heart of mine isn't up to dealing with a bunch of paperwork like it used too," she chuckled. _

_ Okay? This is weird. _

_ "So…Rowan, can I call you that?"_

_ I nodded._

_ "Okay, Rowan, how do you feel?" she asked, looking innocently at me, before bursting out laughing. "Sorry, I know that's very tv portrayed, but that's the role I'm apparently supposed to fill so what choice do I have? Anyway back to business."_

Obviously I'd been deemed "safe" and was allowed out or was allowed to make a deal that led me to being out.

Another knock brought me back to reality, and the rather large teenager still hanging hesitantly in the doorway. He met my gaze for a few seconds before we both looked away, me out of habit and him, well… I'm not sure why.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

I waited a few more seconds, watching him, before nodding, and turning to lean against the corner of the wall. Cautiously, he shuffled over to the small chair at the even smaller desk, and sat down. It was quiet, only the rain disturbing the peace.

"How're you doin'?" he asked.

Really? "Fine," I mumbled.

"Umm…I…well…I found this when I was cleaning the other day, and thought you'd might like it."

I hadn't noticed he had a sweatshirt with him, until he unwrapped it to reveal an older looking camera. He held it out, and, watching him, I went over and gently picked it up, went back over to my corner and examined it. It was old-ish, that was all I knew, I wasn't a camera person, but it was…interesting none the less.

I looked up and gave a small smile, an actual one. It seemed like nothing, it was just an old camera, but I don't know how to explain it. This insignificant item just made my day

"Thanks."

The smile on his face resembled that of a kid on Christmas.

"It's nothing, I'm glad you like it."

I nodded a bit, "Yeah…"

We sat in silence, for once it was comfortable, before we heard Emily's call for lunch. I don't think I've ever seen someone move that fast at the mention of food.

Silently chuckling, after carefully placing the gift on the desk, I followed the hunger-driven, oversized teen down the stairs, where all the guys waited against the wall, eyeing the mountain of food that was piled high on the table. Claire, who was on the counter out of harm's way, already had a plate, and I fell in line behind Rachel to get food. With a look from Emily, once we were pressed against the counter, the group fell on mountain, reducing it to crumbs in a matter of seconds.

Tuning out the conversation, I watched the rain again, before being dragged back to reality by a something being tossed in my direction. Ducking, I glared for a second at the table, before sliding the fork into the sink. It was a typical lunch at this house.

As soon as my eyes opened, squinting at the small but still annoying sunlight that shone in through the window, I silently prayed for sleep to come back and snatch me away. Today was the day I had to go see the psychiatrist. I wasn't sure to be anxious, scared or angry or maybe a little of all three and then some. I tried to go back to sleep, but the nervousness turning my stomach into a giant ball of concrete, and monster that scratched desperately at me wouldn't allow it. I know it wouldn't be like TV, nothing ever was, but what would happen? My psyche evaluation wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, so what could my actually "therapy" be like. Would the person be fake or would they actually understand a bit? How long would I have to go? For the session and in general. Would they deem me "dangerous to myself", and send me back to the hospital, or what?

Knowing none of the answers, I settled on just staring out the window, hoping to at least drift; the sun was barely in, which if you consider where I am isn't much, but anyway long story short it was still early. I didn't even hear any of the guys down stairs.

Eventually though I heard the shower click on and off twice, far off in the distant, then the loud footsteps of Sam as he passed by, well he attempted to be quiet, but it didn't work well for a man of his size, and I thought I heard the softer footsteps of Emily, but I couldn't tell. My door creaked open, and I could feel her eyes on me, grateful she couldn't see my face clearly. The stairs squeaked as she follower her fiancé downstairs.

Pretty soon, I dragged myself, almost quite literally, out of the welcoming sheets, grabbing a pair of jeans, underclothes, black cami and sweatshirt, and headed to the bathroom. Avoiding the reflective wall, I jumped in the shower and quickly washed up. The hot water might as we have been freezing, it did little to ease any of the anxiety, there was no comfort in it. Getting out, I dried off, and pulled my clothes on, sighing at the scars, in the past two weeks more had faded a bit, but the more prominent ones, that would stay that way til the day I died, stood out even more now because of the water. It's hard to believe that it'd only been two weeks since I'd shown up on Emily's doorstep, of course I'd a day and a half or so out cold in the hospitable, but still it seemed everything couldn't have occurred in the past 14 days.

Running a brush through my hair, I pulled it into a low ponytail, before taking a deep breath, and opened the door. Dumping the dirty clothes back into the room, I headed downstairs, to meet the smell of bacon, eggs and rest of the barn that followed. Paul, Jared, Kim, Rachel and Embry were already there, the guys eating the food faster than Emily could make it. Stealing a piece of toast, I nibbled on it, watching the scene.

"Good morning," Emily greeted, rushing around like a chicken with her head cut off.

"Mornin'."

It wasn't more than half an hour, and the rest of the gang was crowded around the small table.

"Nervous?" Emily whispered, taking a break from her non-stop cooking job, leaning against the counter beside me.

"What do you think?" I smirked back gently.

She chuckled. "I know what you're thinkin', that it's pointless, a waste of time. That they'll just be a fake, and they won't understand anything."

"I don't get why I still have to go, its a stranger."

"You don't know them."

"And you?"

"Yes," she stated simply.

"Why?" I asked again after a few minutes.

"Because that was part of the deal," Emily reminded me.

Was it really this hard to get out of going to talk to some nut job, seriously I'm a qualified enough one that I should just talk to myself. Hmm…

She sighed, "I understand that talking to some stranger about everything isn't what you want, and I know it sounds cliché but talking does help you may not see or think it at first, but once you talk you'll feel…like a weights gone."

I started to shake my head, but she cut me off. "I know it sounds stupid, and like something out of a movie, but it does work."

"How do you know?"

"'Cause I've been there…" she whispered. Her posture remained towards me, but I caught the quick dart of her eyes towards Sam. She rolled up her sleeves, and I could make out the faint criss-crosses on her arms, some long some short, but all very deliberate looking.

Shocked, I looked up at her. "You're a cutter."

She nodded, rolling her sleeves back down. "I used too. Living up to my parents expectations, being someone I wasn't just became too much. It helped me get through the day."

Emily understood; she understood the pain but also the need to feel alive, to feel like you not spinning out of control.

"I know what it's like Rowan, and I understand where you're coming from when you say you don't want to talk about it. It took a lot to get me to go and actually talk to Dr. Clark, like my friends kidnapping me one day and dragging me there kicking and screaming the whole way."

I had to smile a bit at that, just imagining my cousin, as she is now being dragged, while clawing at the ground, and animatedly screaming "no" as loud as she could was hilarious in my book. Don't know about you guys.

"Yes I know that's funny to imagine, but if that's what I have to do to get you to Dr. Clark today don't think I won't. I'm pretty sure the guys would be more than happy to help."

Sam and Embry looked pointedly at me, confirming her threat. It was weird having Sam know about everything, though I noticed a realization in him now. I think he was still unsure of how to act around me.

Awkward silence descended over the kitchen, and I guess Kim could see the urge in my eyes, because she offered,

"Me, and Rachel were gonna take Claire to the beach in a little bit, do you wanna come Rowan?"

I nodded, smiling, "Yeah. Thanks."

Now when Kim said Rachel and Claire she forget to mention the tag along which included Jared, Quil, Paul and Embry. I should have known, I mean how long have I've been here, the couples were pretty much inseparable. The relationships were…unusual in a way, the way they looked at each other seemed…stronger than anyone else I'd seen, of course I haven't seen a lot of lovey dovey looks in a while. Also wherever one of the girls were, their other half it seemed, was always within ten feet of them.

Right now Claire was running ahead, laughing and acting like a little kid should, with Quil not far behind. Kim and Jared were ahead of us, with Rachel and Paul not far behind, leaving me alone with guess who.

Embry walked beside me, though he gave me space. Peaceful was how I would describe it, which wasn't a word I used often, but with the monster at bay, and the waves washing away all the worries and questions, the word suited the moment. Turning my face up to the rain, I stopped, watching the flimsy clouds skate quickly across the sky as if to escape the wrath of the bigger, more threatening clouds that hung steadily overhead. The cool rain felt nice despite the icy shiver it sent through me. Feeling someone's eyes trained on me, I looked back to Earth to catch Embry's gaze, and we both looked away. Wandering ahead, I sat on a fallen tree, near the edge of the woods; a scream erupted as Paul carried Rachel into the water, and promptly dropped her in. Rachel popped up, pure fury written clearly enough for a blind man to see on her face. She stormed the beach, pushing Paul back, shouting and yelling about how he's "immature" and "stupid", and pretty sure Kim joined in on the Paul-bashing. I'm pretty sure a few more choice words would have been thrown in if not for the young ears present that were watching the verbal abuse with interest.

The over-sized teen beside me was nearly rolling on the ground, laughing his keester off. I had to admit the sight of the two smaller girls chewing out the larger guy who could easily swat them away like flies who was hanging his head in shame was pretty funny.

Smirking a bit at the scene, which soon ended as Paul planted a kiss on Rachel, and she pouted before kissing him back. I had to look away at the affection; it seemed private almost, even though it was simple play guilt kiss.

"Ewww!" Claire shrieked, covering her eyes.

This elected another round of laughter from the La Push natives.

"What's wrong Claire?" Quil asked jokingly, picking the little kid up and tossing her in the air.

"Pwaul's gross!" she told definitely.

"Yes he is," Quil agreed.

A rock thumped loudly off of the teen's head, who growled in return, grabbing a handful of rocks and chucking them at his attacker. Before a rock war could break out, Kim diffused the situation, by pulling a hot pink Frisbee out of the bag she was carrying, gave it to Claire who immediately shouted with glee and ran to Quil.

"Look Qwil!" she yelled, holding the Frisbee up.

The situation calm again, he smiled down at her, taking the disc and tossing it gently. The little kid took off the pink circle, laughter drifting out behind her. Everything seemed surreal, Claire's laughter, the crashing waves, even the gentle bite of the wood against my palms. The world faded out, leaving me alone with my thoughts, especially with the thought of the rock that was slowly squeezing the air out of me. I don't know where it came from; it just appeared out of nowhere, full strength. I could feel it, desperately trying to crawl its way up my throat to freedom, but the scream was locked away, muted for eternity. I desperately wanted to fulfill the thought that was ruling my head, just a little nick, just enough to take away the pain. That's it, that's all I wanted. It wasn't going away, I didn't even know why it was back, the urge was usually driven away by Embry, but why?

Why was it back? Why did it go away even in the first place? Why was Dr. Cullen so confusing? Why am I so stupid? Why am I here? Why didn't I die? What was that monster? Why did Dad come and find me? Who was that man with him? Why do I have to see a shrink? Why did I come here? Why did I tell Emily about the abuse? Why can't I figure anything out? Why can't I just die?

Oh God, why can't you just let me die?

"Rowan?" someone whispered next to me, and my brain registered a slight touch on my shoulder.

I flinched, jerked back to harsh reality, my stomach knotting as the pressure increased. My eyes darted to meet Embry's dark brown gaze, and for a split instance breathing was easy, but I looked away, jumping up and moving away, trying to pull up a normal façade. Rocks, all around me, sharp, dull, stones that could easily slice open a simple, soft barrier and unleash the scarlet pain that was rising up in a rush. I was well aware of the audience I'd drawn, but unfortunately it only made the urge worse.

"Rowan?" a softer voice asked.

My eye's that had closed of their own accord, in a weak attempt to block out the world, the pain, I don't know, opened to be greeted by Kim, who was looking at me with concern.

"Do you wanna play?" she asked again, holding the Frisbee out.

A wave of gratefulness washed over me, and I tried to smile, but I think it came out like a grimace. Shakily, I reached out and took the toy, before tossing it to one of the guys; I wasn't sure which one right now. All the guys stared at me, which I tried to ignore, and with glares from the older girls, I assumed, the game continued.

Slowly, the pressure eased, it remained there, but breathing became slightly easier; well aware everyone, minus Claire, was watching me, waiting to see if I would freak out again.

My focus elsewhere I didn't notice the Frisbee until it whooshed over my head.

"I got it," I called quietly, jogging towards the woods, eyes trained for the neon pink disk; it seriously couldn't be that hard to spot against plain sand could it?

_Where'd that thang-_

I froze at the sight of the man in front of me; something turning my stomach inside out. His pale skin, almost as pale as the doctors stood out against the dark greens and browns of the forest, he lingered on the edge, almost testing to see if the sand would swallow him up if he stepped out of the safety of the trees. He smiled when he saw me, only it held no trace of warmth or friendliness, it remained cold, feral. One very similar to my Dads. Fear began to crawl through my veins, bring adrenaline along with it.

"I believe this is what you are looking for," I hadn't noticed that in his hand was the Frisbee, standing out in sharp contrast to his albino skin. An accent was traceable, but I couldn't figure out where.

I hesitated, years of experience and something else telling me this wasn't a man I wanted to be close too. He held it out, smiling still.

"I don't bite," he chuckled.

"Rowan!"

Not wanting to lose sight of the man, I turned my head for a split second. And in that split second I saw something I never would have dreamed of.

Embry exploded, quite literally, into a giant wolf.

Boy was I going to have something to tell Dr. Clark.

So what'd y'all think? I know it took FOREVER and a HALF to get to this point, but finally here XD Review please por favor, and however you say it in French, German, and a billion other languages. Actually if anyone knows how to say please in other languages that'd be pretty cool to know XD Thank yah.


	15. Chapter 14

**Hey guys, sorry for the huge delay, I had writers block for the last little bit, which is why it's so bad :( Also a few days ago I looked at those legacy stats and realized the story had almost 60 reviews and flipped out! XD I'd like to thank those who reviewed, alerted and or favorited**_:_

_feathercloud42_

_alicecullenisrealinmyworld- thank yeah for keepin with the story so far :D_

_Anonymous _

_MACMONKEY_

_tinkertot95-and you as well :D_

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_JellyBeane_

_FleetingInspiration_

_And also my awesome beta: JellyBeane and Fleeting Inspiration for ideas :)_

**Wow, that's a giant list, yay! :D **

_Previously _

Not wanting to lose sight of the man, I turned my head for a split second. And in that split second I saw something I never would have dreamed of.

Embry exploded, quite literally, into a giant wolf.

Boy was I going to have something to tell Dr. Clark

What the…? How in the…? Why…?

In a second, a blur of grey rushed by, bolting into the woods after another haze, a paler one this time. A second whoosh disturbed the air not a few feet from me, only this smudge was darker, following the two other forms into the forest.

I stared after them, in shock, I guess, my brain trying to comprehend what just happened.

"Rowan?" I turned to see Kim, fear and anxiety etched deep into her dark brown eyes, with Jared practically glued to her side, arm wrapped protectively around her waist, eyes raking the surrounding area, shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. "We have to go." She reached for me, but seemed to think better of it, and pulled back, before being dragged away by the oversized teen.

Who by the way was almost an exact clone of the one who'd just burst into an oversized dog not a minute earlier.

Oh boy.

Rachel came up, determination on her face, but also fear, Claire's hand intertwined into her shirt in a death grip. Quil was right beside her, _eyes _never leaving the little girl-odd- but also shaking in a similar fashion to his friend.

"Come on."

She reached out, urging me forward.

I jerked away, backing away from Quil who practically glued himself to Rachel and Claire.

"What the hell happened? How did Embry…do whatever he did? What the hell was that giant dog thing? Where did it come from?" I yelled, eyes darting between all of them, afraid they'd burst into truck size dogs too.

"We'll explain when we get back to Emily's." Quil told.

"No! What the hell just happened? Who was that man? And what was that?" I gestured madly behind me.

The monster was back, ripping through me like lightening, I'm pretty sure getting struck by electricity would hurt less than this. The confusion and pure fear that was flowing through me, making the urge unbearable; why won't it leave me alone? Feeling my chest close in, the oxygen rushing out of my lungs like the devil himself was after it.

"Rowan relax. Please just trust us, when I say we should get back to Emily's now," Rachel reassured.

I shook my head, backing away from them.

_Leave me alone!_ I mentally screeched.

A chorus of howls rose up behind us; I knew which one was Embry's, and an invisible chain rooted deep in my stomach yanked me towards the woods.

_Don't shut down, don't shut down._ I chanted over and over.

"We have to go now," Quil growled, reaching for Rachel whose grip tightened even more on Claire. "Rowan come on!"

They moved off, and with a glance at the woods searching for any of the new mysteries, I reluctantly, followed the group. The contrast between the girls and the guys was evident: fear straightened Kim and Rachel's back, pushing them into the apparent safety circle the guys radiated; all I saw from the guys was defensiveness, and pure anger. They all but ran back to Emily's, only slowing to glance and see if I was still behind them.

We hadn't even reached the porch and my cousin was there, ushering everyone in, concern and fear also marking her. Kim was still wrapped in Jared's arms; though it seemed the fear had retreated, making me think the enforced hug was more for his sake than anything else. Claire had calmed down some after Quil practically ripped her from Rachel's side.

"What happened?" my cousin asked.

The answer became a dull murmur, as the beach scene replayed over and over. In my mind I saw Embry turn into an wolf, watched him shake into an undecipherable form, see his clothes, or what was now left of them, fly into the air, and the creature that stood in his place. Then a blink of dark grey and the beach stood empty of any animals.

_Flashback_

_A huge dark grey wolf stood in the shadows, and when I say huge I mean freakin huge. Like easily probably 5 times the normal size of a wolf, probably more._

_Closer I could see the dark grey spots that speckled his back and sides, been placed randomly, like ebony snow. The mixed colors twisted into one another, melting into an authentic canvas. _

_(Flashback within a flashback sorry for confusion)_

My mind strayed back to when I'd looked at Embry; he'd made me feel the same way. Why? Glancing at the wolf's eyes again, at how human they appeared. Why?

"I thought…you were some dude I met at my cousin's place. His name was like…E-Embry? Somethin' like that."

_Well damn! _

_(Back to present)_

"Embry freaked out and phased, and Rowan kinda saw…" Kim trailed off.

Realization dawned in Emily's eyes as she glanced at me, where I stood, tense against the wall as far away from the "guys" as possible.

"What the hell happened?" I repeated, frustrated. "Oh wait,I know, you guys all turn into giant dogs! Just when were you going to tell me this? I told you everything, willingly or not, but still. I trusted you and you didn't think to mention the fact _that __all_ the guys here are even more of a freak then me!"

It was silent after my short rant.

"Qwil**'**s not a fweak," Claire stated, arms crossed, glaring at me.

I bit my tongue to stop another tirade, "Claire, he turns into a dog."

"So. Hew's fluffwy, and nice." She pouted, a stubborn look on her face.

The tension lightened some in the room.

Sighing heavily, I skated the edge of the room, avoiding the guys, eyes glued to them. "I'll be upstairs," I muttered, closing the door behind me.

Anger and betrayal curled my fingers, building like acid in my arms, driving the urge to cut even higher. Storming over to the desk, I ripped open the drawer, dumping it unnecessarily on the ground, snatching a pencil. Nearly flipping the mattress I yanked the sheet of paper out, tossing it up on the wall along with some tape. Ignoring the drive to maim myself even more, I scribbled "guys are freakin werewolves" in one of the corners, scratching lines from the phrase and adding even more details like "always hot", "eat a crapton", "steroid muscles."

Standing back, resisting the urge to pace, the poison having traveled to my legs, I attempted to see how this discovery fit into the larger puzzle that was pieced out on the 3X4.

Noting a connection I drew a line connecting the two, taking the time to make it look not ghetto, the focus soothing the betrayal. Pretty soon even more lines were drawn, notes attached, and the confusion starting to clear. A knock disturbed my trance, and not wanting to lose any possible link that could appear, I "hmmed", completely lost in the mission to unravel the tangle of graphite scratches.

"Rowan? Oh. What's this?"

Shifting my weight onto my left leg, my eyes raked the oversized piece of paper, not wanting to lose anything before I responded. Somewhat satisfied, and somewhat frustrated, I turned to find Emily sitting patiently on the bed.

"Therapy."

She raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"It helps with the urge; this is what my friend's shrink recommended for whenever she was stressed or confused, so yeah. It helps."

"Oh."

An uncomfortable silence descended, the ever present drumming of rain was ripped as a sharp howl rose up. Unconsciously, I hunched my shoulders, pulling my jacket closer; my cousin took in the movement with pity in her eyes, but it quickly resolved to shame when she caught me lookin'.

"The boys…I know it's a bit of a shock-"

I raised an eyebrow, shifting my weight again.

She chuckled, "Okay more than a little bit, but…never mind."

I raised my eyebrow again.

"No, you wouldn't have heard the legends, so…"

I nodded in understanding before motion out the window caught my attention; the "guys" were back. Anger surged again at their calm demeanor, at the way they were joking around, punching and jumping one another. Taking a deep breath, I tried to sooth the built up tension.

"You can come downstairs if you want," Emily offered.

Turning away slightly from the window, I met her eyes, before dropping it. She understood, nodded, smiled and quietly left, leaving the door cracked. Sighing, the usual rowdiness that owned the house resumed.

Why hadn't Emily told me? It's not exactly something that can "slip the mind." 'Course I was already "unstable" when I showed up on her doorstep, her mentioning that people turn into wolves around here might not have been a good idea. But I was doing good, I was getting better, - before Dad came along and everything- but still…why hadn't she told me?

Growling, I stalked back over to the poster board doohickey, trying to focus on it instead of the image of me sitting on the edge of the tub, _razor_ poised over the porcelain marred skin, an ugly pink strip standing out like an island in the middle of an ocean. Shaking my head, I backed up and plopped down on the bed; noting my shoes were still on I kicked them off, watching them fly and hit the nightstand. The lone picture there wobbled, one Emily had given me after a few days, it portrayed a younger me and her at one of the beaches on the Makah Reservation, back before Mom died, back when Emily and Leah were sisters, back when life was just about not eating my vegetables and pouting when I had to take a nap, claiming I didn't need one, when in reality I crashed immediately.

Having grown so used to the scars, I was slightly shocked when I first saw the picture, forgetting what my cousin really looked liked; isn't that sad?

Stating the obvious, which you all have probably figured out already, another piece of the puzzle fell into place. Blazing out of the room, like the devil himself was on my butt, I raced downstairs, ignoring the guys and strange looks I received, and into the kitchen.

"You did that," I growled, whatever emotion that was controlling me forced my feet to march closer than I would have ever dared to Sam.

Confusion clouded both their faces, and it drove me up the wall in fury.

"That!" I yelled, well yelled for me, which was a little more than a normal voice, pointing at Emily's face. "That's why you always got that look on your face, you did that to her!"

"Rowan," Emily snapped, and that stopped the tirade; Emily never raised her voice, never got mad. Backing away from the shaking man, bumping into another: Embry. Emily sent a look over my head and a mad scrambling shook the house. She placed a hand on Sam's arm, and his shaking ceased, followed by him wrapping his arm securely around her waist.

I stared at his hand where once he turned, claws would emerge, claws sharp enough to tear flesh, claws sharp enough to maim.

"Rowan, relax."

"Y'all keep sayin' that, but I'm findin' it kinda hard."

She smirked, but sighed. "Sam didn't mean to-No listen. It was a complete accident, he phased and I was too close."

"That's what they all say though! I'm sorry; I didn't mean to. It was an accident," I spat, glaring daggers at Sam, gaining confidence from the anger probably.

"It was Rowan. I didn't have any control; and I'll hate myself for it for the rest of my life."

I refused to accept that, "No. That's- that's what Dad said and you know what? The next day he did it again and then again and again until he didn't even need to be drunk to smack me around."

All the anger from weeks, probably even years, was pouring out in a rush, the dam broken by the sight of a teenager turning into a canine. Backing up, I paced the kitchen opening, the fury pulsing energy and the urge to move back into my legs again. The two lovebirds shared a look, and Emily sighed,

"Just for a few minutes." She gave him a quick kiss, before going out into the living room, passing me with a smile.

Yah gotta be kiddin' me. They can read minds too.

"Rowan...could you umm…just relax for a bit?" Sam asked, almost immediately uncomfortable and unsure.

"Really? Dude, I ain't relaxed since I first walked in that door, and yah expect me to be relaxed now?" I whispered, the anger turning into a running recommendation, making me revert back to my "normal" self.

"Yeah…. Then just listen. My…my Dad was similar to yours; he was abusive towards me and my Mom. He liked to drink."

_Cycle repeats itself, ain't that uncommon._

"So…I understand the pain and the anger. I get you…you can't trust me right now, but I hope you'll understand that I could never hurt you, Embry would have my head if he even thought I did," he muttered the last part low enough that I wasn't sure if I heard it right.

It was silent after Sam's "speech"; well at least for him it was, he wasn't a real big talker from what I've seen.

"So…"

I really didn't know what to say, my tirade having fallen aside, leaving me at a loss for words. My face twisted into something between a grimace and smile, and I have him a small nod. He returned the latter gesture and left me alone, presumably to go find Emily. Collapsing into a chair, my mind spinning with everything that's happened in the past _hours_.

Maybe I do need to see a shrink?

I honestly don't see how some of the girls didn't have a mental break down when they found out their boyfriends turn into wolves.

The front door slamming brought me back, and I looked to see Embry standing awkwardly in the kitchen entrance.

There it goes again. Stupid teenage hormones or whatever it is. Seeing him, I felt like everything would be alright, that no matter what this thing called life would work out in the end. That the confusion and pain would fade away into happiness; since when has happiness ever paid me a visit?

_What about those few days ago, before this mess started? Back in the woods?_

I'd felt safe around that wolf, or well Embry, I'd been relaxed, the closest I've been to my real self in years, and it was all because of one simple guy. What was it about him that put me back together? Why was I only truly subconsciously comfortable around him? What made him so special that he took the pain away, that he filled the black hole in me? Was it some weird wolf spell? Or something else?

His gaze caught mine and a foreign joy filled me. I tried to shove it back in a box, but it refused.

"So you're a dog?"

He chuckled, "No, a shapeshifter."

"But you turn into a dog?"

"No did you not see the giant wolf?"

"No I saw that, that was Paul. I also saw that little Chihuahua chasin' Claire around the other day, and it kinda looked like you 'cept in miniature dog form. It had that same little high-pitched "bark" that makes people wanna drop-kick them over their back fence so…"

Laughter rolled out behind him, and he mock-glared at me.

"What?" I asked innocently. "Look I'm sorry you don't get the same cool wolf forms as your buddies, but hey Chihuahua's are cool too. You get to carry 'em around in your bag and their um…tiny…and cool?"

More laughter sounded from the living room.

Emily patted Embry's arm, giggling at his shocked expression, as she came back into the kitchen, going over to the pantry and pulling a multitude of ingredients out. She never stopped did she?

I offered a small smile in his direction and he lit up like a little kid during Christmas.

Odd.

_Okay, that's it one step at a time, everything will be okay_._ Just one damn freakin weirdo thing at a time. They turn into wolves okay. It's all good though. _

There was just one more thing I needed to figure out today, (which completely screws the whole 'one thing at a time' idea) something that had been bugging me for the past few days. Only how was I supposed to get there? The guys were out, and I got a feelin if they begged their girlfriends would crack eventually, no offense to them, but there seemed to be no secrets between any of the couples.

So weird.

That left…Leah.

Oh great. This is gonna be interesting.

Peeking into the living room, I found her leaning against the wall, sending death glares towards each person in the room.

Joy.

Wait how am I even supposed to ask her? Super wolves means super hearing right?

Letting out a sigh, I maneuvered through the mass of over-sized teenage guys, head down, feeling her gaze settle on me as she realized I was headed towards her.

"Can I see yah phone?" I asked Leah, hoping she wouldn't bite my head off, figuratively and literally. I could see the guys stop everything and turn to stare at us, even with my back turned.

"Why?" she sneered.

"Just let me see yah damn phone," I growled. Sometimes you had to shove back if you didn't want to be fish food.

She stared at me for a bit before handing the device over; I opened a new message and quickly typed my question, before giving it to her.

"Why in the hell-" she started.

"Type."

She cursed me under her breath and typed out the rest of her sentence, aiming for my face when she threw it back.

_All yah gotta do is drop me off that's it. If yah get lucky there's a possibility he may eat me. _

She frowned at my response and mumbled, "That 'ill be the day. Why?"

"None of yah business," I stated.

"You're an idiot yah know that," she pointed out, putting her phone away and pushing off against the wall.

"Not the worst I've been called," I retorted, following her out.

"Where yah goin'?" Embry asked, starting to follow.

"Out. Stay."

He growled, yes growled at her. I doubt I'd ever get used to that.

"Yah know yah ain't helpin yahself with the dog insults when yah do that," I told. They all just kinda stared, and I glanced at the floor uncomfortably.

"Alright y'all quit starin before she disappears into the floor," she glared at them. "One would think you would have learned by now."

I followed her gratefully out the door and into her truck. The ride was awkwardly silent, the quietness allowing my mind to focus on what I was about to do. Man this is turnin into one fun-filled freakin' day.

"Thanks," I mumbled, getting out.

"Just don't do anything too stupid, otherwise Embry will have my head on a stake," she muttered, before driving off.

What is with Embry 'n' decapitating people?

Taking a deep breath, I forced my feet to move, past the sliding doors, up to the little desk. I had to know, it was just another part of the mystery that needed to be solve. Shivering at the scent that clung to the air, trying not to gag, I wandered along the halls looking for the right door. My feet seemed to move of their own accord now, my subconscious or whatever saying it had to know, despite my half-hearted protests to tell my inner self to shut up. A part of me wanted to know, but another part of me was scared to find out how.

_What the heck was I thinking? It will be too much, I'll crack. First everyone finds out I cut, then I find out they're all oversized dogs, and if this is true… Dear Lord please, please, don't let me faint. On second though just let this all be a stupid dream, yeah, I'm still in the hospital and pretty soon I'll wake up and everythin' 'ill be cool. _

All too soon the correct numbers appeared on a piece of wood.

_Here goes nothin'._

Taking a deep breath, I knocked softly on the door.

"Come in."

"Dr. Cullen?" I stuck my head in to see the inhuman blond sitting behind a desk, a file in hand.

"Yes?"

Shuffling farther into the room, leaving the door cracked, I leaned against the wall next to it. "Umm...I'm Rowan Carter, Emily's cousin. I was in here a few days ago."

"Oh yes. How are you doing?"

"Fine?"

"Is something wrong then?"

Hmm…well if youyou're considerin' I'm having a complete and total mental breakdown because there's so many problems and not enough answers then yes. No stop it; quit being so self-centered! God I'm clinically freakin' insane.

"Umm…"

I don't even know what the hell to ask him? Do you not age? Do you have a immortal clone?

"Do…you have an older brother who looks dead up like yah?"

_What kinda question is that yah freakin' idiot!_

"Umm…no?"

"Oh."

_Just say it, say it._

"Do you remember a car wreck back in Virginia? Eleven years ago? It was a drunk driver and there was a mom and she was killed and you saved a little girl?" I blurted out.

Confusion played on his face until recognition took over. "You were…"

"Yeah…. So mind explainin'..." I gestured to him.

**Sorry about the ending :( and how short it was. Please review though and tell me what yah thought s'il vous plait (thanks to alicecullenisrealinmyworld)**


	16. Chapter 15

**First off guys I can't believe it's been a little over 4 whole months since I last updated, it seriously does not feel like it's been that long. Can you believe March is almost over? Holy macril! Anywhere thanks to my amazing best friend, ;) I finally finished this chapter, though not as far as I would have hoped but something is better than nothing no?  
I'd also like to thank those who reviewed, alerted and favorited so long ago. This includes…**

_Anon_

_Writer-In-Progress 107 _

_Misaai_

_nana213_

_FleetingInspiration_

_LisaaxDudette_

_16sweet_

_chattybox 123_

_bitascull_

_rayden24_

_anonymous_

_Rhythm15_

_vanilla12ish_

_tinkertot95_

_Previously _

_Confusion played on his face until recognition took over. "You were…"_

"_Yeah…. So mind explainin'..." I gestured to him._

"Hmm…would you mind shutting the door?"

I shook my head, "Sorry…I-I can't."

He nodded.

_Were making excellent progress in the whole explanation department don't yah think?_

"Are you aware of the Quileute boys… "condition"?"

I nodded, "Yep, just found out."

He nodded again.

"Have you heard their legends?"

I tried to remember the stories my mom used to tell me, but most of my childhood was blocked, it hurt too much to think about it, unfortunately this included the good memories. The subconscious wasn't picky when it came to protecting the mind from fracturing due to mental distress.

"No."

"This makes what I'm about to tell you more complicated."

_And that would be…?_

"I'm not sure how to explain this…I'm a vampire."

I just stared at him, trying to process his statement. "'Scuse me?" Maybe I didn't hear him right?

"I'm a vampire Rowan. That's why I look the same; I haven't aged."

"O-okay. Umm…" My mouth kept opening and closing; I wasn't exactly sure what to say. The stereotypical idea would be to run away screaming because I'm standing in a room with a mythological creature that drinks blood, but the logical side of me was saying this was a mentally unstable man who believed himself to be a vampire.

"Okay. And you drink…blood?" I asked slowly.

He chuckled, "Not in the way you're probably thinking. My family and I are vegetarians, we only drink animals."

Okay that wasn't something I was expecting to hear.

"O-okay. That's-that's good?"

"You don't believe me do you?"

I let out a heavy breath, "Umm…yes? You said you didn't age which would explain how you could've pulled me from the car 10 years ago…"

"But…"

"Vampires don't exist. And they certainly aren't doctors." I waited for the outburst of denial, for the breakdown in rejection of my statement.

I wonder if they have a psych ward here? One would think I would know, but still.

Though, at the moment, I wasn't a 100 percent sure who would be committed.

He nodded, "I understand, this isn't exactly something one expects to be told over some mild chit-chat."

I just nodded again in that "okay, yeah sure" way again.

"Is there anything else troubling you Rowan?"

"Um…no?"

"Do you feel okay?" he asked, starting to come around his desk.

I nodded "I'll be fine once I get everything sorted out; it's just a lots happening all at once."

"And your handling everything okay?" he questioned hesitantly.

My stomach clenched at his implication, "I'm "handling" things just fine. Sheesh you slip up once and suddenly everyone thinks you're going to crack at the littlest things." I snapped.

He held up his hands, "I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by it."

Letting out a deep breath, I shook my head, "Nah its cool. Sorry I snapped. It's just…" I trialed off making some weirdo face as a pathetic explanation.

He nodded, "It's okay."

He says that a lot; has anyone else noticed that? It's like nothing bothers him; so weird.

Silence settled over the room, until his phone rang startling only me it seemed. The conversation only lasted a few minutes before he glanced at me apologetically, holding the phone out to me. I took it hesitantly, when I could hear arguing on the other line.

"Hello?"

"Rowan why in the world did you run off again?" Emily asked, after telling someone else to "hush"

"Umm…it's just, I just needed to figure everything out," I answered pathetically.

"Okay. And running off without telling anyone is included?"

"I told someone. How do you think I got here?"

It was silent before there was some rustling.

"Are you okay?" Embry asked

"Umm…yeah? I mean I'm not hanging upside down from the ceiling or anything,"

He growled at that statement and there was rustling again as the phone shifted.

"Thank you for that," Emily greeted sourly.

"Your welcome," I grinned.

"I'll see you in a few minutes, and were going to talk."

The click was loud and audible in the quiet room, and I hung the phone back up.

"I'm supposed to take you back to the treaty line, there Sam will pick you up," Dr. Cullen told me, putting his coat on.

Wordlessly, I followed him out to his car, which by the way was extremely nice, I think, pressing myself against the door as he sped off. I doubt any other 16 year old girl can say she's hitched a ride from a vampire back to the reservation where her werewolf cousin, by marriage I might add, lives. He pulled off the side of the road, killing the engine.

"This is the boundary line; my family and I can't go on the Reservation due to an old treaty," he explained.

I wasn't exactly sure how to respond so I just continued to stare out the window. Pretty soon a loud roaring came around the bend, soon followed by Sam's truck.

"Thanks for bringing me back and…" I trailed off; how do you thank someone for saving your life.

He smiled and nodded.

Getting out, I hurried over, though I was in no hurry, to meet the guys. Staring at the ground as Sam, Paul and Embry piled out, I felt the tension between the two supernaturals. That is until Embry came over, shaking like a leaf in a storm.

"You shouldn't have run off like that. I had no idea where you were, I thought you r-ran away again, I thought that leech had gotten past us-you were just gone" Embry rambled.

"I'm sorry?" I mumbled, "No offense or nothing but why do you care exactly?"

Embry glanced at Sam who nodded.

"Wait until we get back," he ordered before turning back to Dr. Cullen. "Thanks for bring her back."

Carlisle nodded, "It was no problem. Rowan just make sure you go to therapy tomorrow."

"Oh. Yes. Lovely." I muttered, grinding my teeth.

He nodded again, got in his car and was gone.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

I nodded, "Fine."

"What were you thinking?" he growled.

"I was just trying to figure everything out," I muttered.

"And you just thought it was perfectly okay to leave without telling anyone and go talk to a vampire?" Sam asked.

"Yup."  
"You didn't think that could end badly?"

"...Yup."  
"Yet you still went?"

I nodded, "Yup."  
"Is that all you can say?" Paul snorted.

"…Nope."

For some reason I was finding this extremely entertaining.

"Are you sure she doesn't belong in an insane asylum?" he muttered.

Embry growled, but I shrugged.

"Don't take your anger out on me. Ain't my fault you couldn't get it on the other night," I mumbled.

He whirled around in a blur, a snarl not only on his face, but also shaking his frame.

Oh crap. Why do I do this? I'm such an idiot. Yes let's make the already unstable werewolf even more mad, 'cause he'll be totally fine with that.

"Leave it alone Paul," the Alpha told, putting his hand on the shaking wolfs shoulder.

Let me just tell you, the ride back: awk-ward! And scary. Not only was I trapped in a very small vehicle with two very annoyed, which granted is my fault, guys who turn into very oversized dogs, but yeah that's pretty much it. The ride seemed a lot longer than I thought, but we finally pulled up in front of the familiar wood house. Paul hopped out of the back, and I stumbled out after the guys, glad for a personal bubble again.

I followed the guys who picked up the pace after their stomachs alerted us to their desperate need for food. Again.

"E-Embry?" I whispered, waiting before the porch.

They all stopped and he spun around like his tail was on fire, no pun intended, eyes locked on me before they dropped away.

"Can we talk?"

He nodded rapidly, similar to a bobble head and Sam and Paul headed inside. I shivered at the cold sea breeze that rolled in.

"I just need to make sure I got everything right," I explained quietly.

"Okay."

I paused, mentally checking off the ever growing list of revelations.

"So...? Let me get this straight, you all are werewolves, and Dr. Cullen, who saved me when I was younger, and his "family" are vampires? I feel like there is more…. Are there anymore surprises y'all would like to share?" I questioned, kicking the ground, a bit of mud staining the already destroyed Chuck.

"Umm…there's one more thing, it's just a small thing though," he mumbled, shifting back and forth. It was actually kind of cute; no bad Rowan. What is wrong with you?

_Oh don't even go there, _the stupid voice whispered. It was startling to hear it after all this time, I know I've probably said that before, it seemed with everything that'd been going on, there just wasn't enough time for it to insert a rude comment. Also since Embry was around; he chased it away, like a mother chasing away her child's fears at night. That sounded a little more….creepy than I thought it would.

"Umm…you see, there's this thing that happens to wolves. It's when they find their "soul mate" as some say; the one their meant to be with in the end. It's called imprinting. The others say it's similar to how gravity would move, that they become the only thing you need in the world, that nothing else matters."

My gut told me where this logical was headed, but I refused to believe the fairytale cliché. There was no way anyone could "imprint" on me, would want to be with me, especially someone like Embry. He was so kind, and shy, but friendly, but there was another side to him, a mystery that lingered in the air around him and this place. Now I knew what, but the fact he was a mythological creature wasn't a bad thing, it simply completed him in a certain way. Add to the fact he wasn't exactly bad looking, he could have any girl he desired, so why he would imprint on a screwed up, scarred, pathetic excuse of a human life beats me.

**Again sorry for the huge delay :( Spring break is in two weeks, praise the Lord! **


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